Monday, October 5, 2009

WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY / en español Las Luchadores Contra La Momia (1964). Music by Antonio Diaz Conte.

What??? Another farshtunken “VS” flick? Why am I always assigned the “VS” flicks? Must be cuz I’m the new guy on the slab. Not only do I get blamed for eating EEGAH’s and TABONGA’s leftovers outta the lunchroom icebox, but I hafta cover these “VS” clunkers too. I gotta an idea: how ‘bout ZILLAGORD VS EEGAH and TABONGA?? After watching this flick, I think I’ve gotta few new moves I can use on them dudes…. But I digress. And since I want my paycheck for the week and that half of a French Dip EEGAH put in the fridge this morning, I guess I’ll swallow my pride (and some roast beast) and resume my duties as Scoop Zilla, Cub Reviewer. Can somebody pass the Grey Poupon?

First off, lemme say that this flick is a bit of a schizophrenic affair: although this baby was made in Mexico and recorded in Spanish, it’s dubbed in some hilarious English and has two directors credited. Place the blame on Young America Productions. As far as I can tell, David Bowie had nothing to do with this laugh-riot, although it does answer the question posed in his song: “Ain’t there a woman I can sock on the jaw?” Yes, there is!

Actually, the music is by veteran composer Antonio Diaz Conte. Dude’s worked on muchas películas, including Panther Women, a buncha SANTO flicks, the awful (in the best sense) NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, and DOCTOR OF DOOM, the prequel to our current flick. Conte did a nice creepy job, as did EEGAH of grabbing the atmospheric theme and adding a touch of the inane dialogue! My question: if you are gonna dub the movie, isn’t there a chance to actually write something decent? Oh, yeah, talent needs to be involved. ¡El diálogo ilógico esta aqui! OK, on wit’ da show…

Arm-bar!!

Fore-arm smash!

Dominance!

Submission!

Cheesecake and pointy bras!! Only thing missing is the raspberry jello and hot oil! Here’s star Lorena Velázquez as Loretta Venus, also know as Gloria Venus. Her pardner’s name is Golden Ruby (wha??). See, I told you, confusion abounds!

After the match, gurls get to wear these nifty capes! I know, kinda of a drag, s’posed to be fewer clothes in the locker room. Plus, the guy on the right named Dr. Sorba is blabbing about being in trouble. This dude is hilariously dubbed and desparate, he spouts every hysterical line but the immortal “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting out of here!” They saved that one for all the Godzilla flicks…

Peeper angry about the disappointing eyeful, so he offs the Doc with blowgun dart. And thereby hangs a tale….

Here, bad guy Black Dragon and his two sisters discuss their plot to steal the ancient Codex of the Aztecs. I didn’t know they had tampons back then! Hey, I was promised I wouldn’t hafta review period pieces.

Nothing suspicious here, dude with shades is just one cool gato! Clueless dude on the right is flick’s comic relief, Chucho Salinas. Relief is what you’ll need from this nudnik and his alleged “comedy” by the film’s end! Chucho gets great lines like, “It might be a limburger cheese they sent to poison us!” Oi, gevald!

Man, I love this “hidden” camera! How do they not see it? Maybe they’re too amused by the drawing of the drunken pig on the bottle next to it! Nice touch there…

This Black Dragon dude is like the MacGyver of Mexico, ‘ceptin’ that he’s Chinese. Or is it Japanese? I love these old flicks that aren’t all politically correct and simply refer to Asians as “Orientals.” Chinese, Japanese, look at these….

Back to the action! It’s the Judo Sisters against our heroines for possession of the Aztec Codex in what is billed as a “Sensational fight between members of the weaker sex!” Perhaps they should call it “The Eight Fists of Aunt Flo!” El todo barrio is abuzz!

Women wrestling! It pleasures me!

Back-breaker!

Our gurls triumph! They win the Codex AND the Golden Applicator!

Wasn’t there something in the title about a mummy? Oh yeah! FINALLY, our intrepid band of rugged women wrasslers and puny, unfunny men are off to the sarcophagus of the Aztecs!

They awaken the mummy. When the crypt begins to open, there’s some noise, and the women say, “Maybe it was the wind.” First time EVER in movie history that this line is not uttered by a man tryin’ to get into gurl’s pants! Goshers, these women are TUFF!

Why have you disturbed my eternal slumber? And where’s my huevos rancheros? Mummy asks this with a voice that sounds like a vomiting dog! Guess that’s what a long rest’ll do to yer voice.

Mummy scares off the whole lot by acting like Bono… Not before our friends steal valuable necklace from the dude.

This is one cool Mummy, he can turn into a rubber bat! Sorry, dear readers, but all EEGAH! gives me to work with is this paskidnye shot of this clock/ship. Man, being Scoop Zilla is rough!

Mummy comes for his goods, picks up a chick in the process. ¡Rico Suave!

With the Sleep Number Sacrificial Altar ©, the good-looking blonde can set her side for cozy comfort, while the skeleton can opt for firmer lumbar support….

It all starts crumbling down in the Aztec pyramid, kinda like the end of that TWO-HEADED TRANPLANT flick I covered awhile back. Here, gurls look to snag decorative tribal statues on the cheap-- who needs Pottery Barn??

Adios! Or should I say, Hasta Luego! Our grapplin’ gal-pals return in 1969 with WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE MURDEROUS ROBOT. There’s that pesky “VS” again: flick suspiciously sounds like another job for Scoop Zilla, Cub Reviewer. Until that dreaded day, faithful readers, vaya con dios. And thanks for the mustard.

6 comments:

TABONGA! said...

Tabonga been watchin' wrassling for many year and have to say that 'back-breaker' is atchally 'gut-buster.'

Stephen said...

Sure wish they still made pointy bras. Ah well, if bellbottoms can make a comeback, maybe pointy bras can, too. I can dream, can't I?

Azathoth said...

Looks better than the last wrestling PPV I watched (except for the match with the Undertaker of course.)

prof. grewbeard said...

i'd forgotten everything about this film except for the Wrestling Women!

Christopher said...

"Damn the Torpedos!"

zillagord said...

@ TABONGA!:
I thought the whole fim was pretty much of a gut-buster!

Glad you guys enoyed the pointy bra! LOL'ed at "Damn the Torpedoes!"

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