FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE OF FREAKS (1974) – Directed by Dick Randall – Music by Marcello Gigante

Greeting dear friends, welcome once again to the agonizing pit of despair that is Zillagord’s private screening room. Pull up the imitation leopard-skin covered beanbag chair I purloined from the set of BLOOD FREAK and lemme tell you the terrible twisted tale of FRANK’S FREAKS. Yep, I’m gettin’ my FREAK on yet again! But don’t let that scare you off, I’m harmless as kitchen.

FRANK’S FREAKS is a lurid yet laughable Italian impost directed by that pie-eyed Paisan… um… Dick Randall?? OK, so he’s not Italian, but he left his little freaky fingerprints on many a foreign-made exploitation flick, including Dungeon fave King Of Kong Island, PIECES, and LUCIFERA: DEMONLOVER (wowsers!). He also helmed sexploitationers like AROUND THE WORLD WITH NOTHING ON (zowie!). His offerings to the trenchcoat crowd oughtta tip you off to the voyeuresque experience to come.

Music provided by Marcelle Gigante; he’s HUGE in Italy! Not really. But he does have over 30 credits to his big BIG name, including THE EMBALMER and Spaghetti westerns like PRAY TO GOD & DIG YOUR GRAVE and GOD MADE THEM… I KILL THEM!! More great titles!!

What is this that stands before me? After obligatory prologue, we are treated to atmospheric grave robbing scene! It’s quickly downhill from here folks…

This is pretty much the extent of Frank’s Freaks. Doc Frank is so ineffectual in this flick, he needs FOUR henchmen. They’re all creepy deviants with incongruently dubbed voices!

This lil’ necrophile, Genz, is also the biggest perv in flick. Girl’s only been outta the ground for a minute, he’s already coppin’ a feel. Geez, give her a chance to rub the dirt from her eyes.

Genz is always slinkin’ around, leering and peering: a stone creep. He’s played by Michael Dunn, who had the recurring role of Dr. Miguelito Loveless in TV’s WILD WILD WEST. Dunn was also in classic STAR TREK episode PLATO’S STEPCHILDREN and in WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON [link]. Really a fascinating guy, I urge you to check out his IMDB bio!

Doc Frank (Rosanno Brazzi, PSYCHOUT FOR MURDER, YOUNG DRACULA) is the…uh… master of the castle. MOM! I told you to knock before coming in my room!

Frank’s monster is not actually a cobbled-together corpse but the reanimated body of a Neanderthal man with a chinchilla pasted to his forehead. No need to suspend disbelief here folks! Frank calls him Goliath, but you may remember him as Loren Ewing, who played Big John on original Batman TV series.

Frank’s daughter Maria (Simonetta Vitell, no hilarious title to her credit), who plans to wed at Frank’s castle. Where’s honeymoon, BLOOD ISLAND??

And here’s Valda (Laura De Benedettis, EROTIC DREAMS OF CLEOPATRA), who is evidently taking a break from her job as magician’s assistant and who inexplicably falls for the Doc.

Maybe it’s all the booze he has lined up! One bourbon, one scotch, one beer…

What would Herschel do? Hunchback Kreegin (Xiro Pappas, THE DEVIL’S WEDDING NIGHT) carves turkey while flirting with chambermaid! This is one hook-up you don’t wanna see. Warning: you will. Yeah friends, hunchback sex!

Pre-Internet porn! That’s dirty birdy Genz doin’ his nasty biz again.

After his private peepshow, he sneaks into the lab and goofs with Goliath. Doc Frank punts lil’ dude outta his castle. Big mistake, as Genz vows revenz.

Genz makes frenz with another caveman named OOK! OOK is played by—get this—Boris Lugosi!! Take that Marilyn Manson! Greatest stage name ever! Dude’s actual name is Salvatore Baccaro, credits include NAKED EXORCISM, STAR CRASH, and ATOR THE INVINCIBLE. No matter what his name, guy really looks the part, he oughtta be in those Geico commercials....

Wouldn’t you know that OOK’s cave comes complete with all the mod cons, including fire pit and hot tub! Genz getting rocks off on rocks!

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!

All that mud-rubbin’ makes Genz want some lovin’! He and OOK kidnap village girl, and not for darning loincloths!

SHAZBOT! OOK can’t believe his eyes as Genz shows him the birds ‘n’ bees. Really disgusting dwarf rape scene replete with ghasty carnal Genz-grunts. Hunchback sex was just a warm-up!

The moment we all were awaiting: Angry Villagers With Torches! A FRANKENSTEIN flick just wouldn’t be complete without ‘em!

Edgar Allan Poe looking for the Civil War reenactment.

Genz returns to release Goliath, who goes on a killing spree whilst looking for a reputable salon where he can wax that monobrow.

In a battle of the cavemen, it’s Goliath in one fall!

Velda tries to rescue Goliath, but her malapropos polka-dot blouse is a beacon for angry villagers…

As Goliath meets his fiery fate, clever manipulator Genz uses Velda’s sorrow as an opportunity for one final feel. Nuthin’ like cozyin’ up in front of a nice, warm fire. Man, I feel dirtier than a caveman after watching this thing. I’d take a shower, but I’m afraid that little bugger Genz’ll peep me too! I’m FREAKED!!!