Monday, September 14, 2009

BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT (1971): An Eddie Romero/John Ashley Joint. With music by Nestor Robles

Yes, dear friends, Zillagord here, sitting in for Eegah!! again with yet ANOTHER Romero/Ashley collaboration/crapfest.(Maybe they'll give me my own night one of these days!) You may remember these men as the perpetrators of previously reviewed BRIDES OF BLOOD and MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND! If you don’t, who can blame ya? Those flicks are pretty lousy, but at least the long stretches of inane dialog and pointless jungle hiking are interspersed with some native gurls in grass skirts doin’ the tribal boogaloo. Romero/Ashley did other Philippines-based genre stinkers including TWILIGHT PEOPLE, BEYOND ATLANTIS, and SAVAGE SISTERS, so don’t fret, there’s plenty more grist for the mill. Unfortunately, after this one, the mill may be closed due to lack of interest…

I dunno why this film is entitled BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT. Maybe it’s because of the urine-colored fog that rolls out from time to time. WTF is a YELLOW NIGHT anyway? Oddly—and this is really an aberration for quickie-cheapies like this—BOTYN has no listed alternative titles. I can think of a few though: how ‘bout BEAST OF THE POORLY LIT NIGHT, BEAST WHO MIGHT BE THERE, YAWN OF THE YELLOW NIGHT, THE MONSTER WHO CONQUERED INSOMNIA or WEREWOLF OF DULLSVLLE?? Those titles might not pack ‘em in, but at least they adhere to truth in advertising standards! OK, OK, I’ll get to the flick’s sluggishly unfolding plot now, let’s hope it doesn’t provoke an outbreak of narcolepsy…

Flick begins with an extended prologue (what else? Do any of these flicks NOT begin with a farshlugginer prologue??) which takes place in a “Small Town in Southeast Asia”; I guess the lighting was so poor the filmmakers couldn’t see the name of the town or country on a map! We are introduced to a grungy John Ashley, evidently abandoned by Frankie Avalon and his BEACH BLANKET BINGO pals. John would have a hard time hangin’ with Maynard G. Krebs with this look: ain’t it grand to see the beautiful people’s comeuppance?? Well, like a bad piece of sushi, John’s not down for long…

He meets portly Vic Diaz in the jungle. Vic can also be seen in VAMPIRE HOOKERS, THE THIRSTY DEAD, and NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN alongside Zillagord’s stablemate Joy Bang! Man, I gotta see that flick!! Anyway, Vic may look like he should belong on the label of a Philippine bottle of maple syrup, but he’s actually SATAN! He lets John live for his soul and a chance to meet Annette Funicello!

John comes back, as swingin’ as ever with some dippitty-doo and Wolverine sideburns! But remember, dear readers, he sold his soul (I repeat this because you may have nodded off).

He’s finds he’s married to dubiously fashionable Mary Wilcox, who appeared in turkeys LOVE ME DEADLY and PSYCHIC KILLER but redeemed herself with some brilliant work on the landmark sketch comedy series SCTV.

John and Mary get busy in an artfully filmed scene (is this the YELLOW NIGHT?? More orange looking to me) that's about as erotic as the old issues of National Geographic grandpa had stashed under his workbench in the basement.

After making sweet love to Mary, John tries to kick her to the curb: to his brother (deciduous Ken Metcalfe, seen in SHE DEVILS IN CHAINS, UP FROM THE DEPTHS, and who wrote ESCAPE FROM WOMEN’S HELL HOLE, now that’s a title for an exploitation flick!). Man, John really has gone bad, even if he looks like Jack Lord! Must be an island thing…

Vic returns to tell John his mission is to make others miserable. Mission already accomplished-- with this flick!!

He also gives John a tummy ache and turns him into a monster! As if being soulless and being forced to act in Philippine cheapies weren’t enough!

Monstrous John goes on a murderous rampage but has time for some window shopping. I’d thunk he’s be more the GI Joe type! Not that there’s anything wrong with a creature that plays with dollies…

Pink… pretty…

Meanwhile, Mexican officials hot on John’s trail. Evidently, they can see through the murk of the Yellow Night much better than we can. Here’s another of the film’s mysteries: why so many Latino cops in Philippines? Pay-offs better in the South Seas??

This is the absolute nadir of the film. I don’t endorse using Methamphetamine, but enduring this scene necessitates more than a triple latte. Mary and Ken discuss John’s future while battling for the gold medal “Flatliner of Dialog” award. The delivery is so catatonic during this scene, it’s like they just watched this flick! Absolutely painful. Masochists grab the audio Here!

John gets another kidney stone and runs amok again. At least I think that’s what he did, there’s nothing quite as dark as a Yellow Night….

Monster finds sanctuary with Blind dude (Andres Centernera, a Romero flick vet, see Brides of Blood Pic! Of course, blind dude offers monster soup. What’s with the blind guys and soup? Spill potential of soup seems pretty danged high for the blind! Yeah, that may offend the hard of seeing, but hey, last I checked, blog’s not in Braille!! And anyway, this is the Philippines, can’t a monster get a decent dish of adobo around here???

Finally (and I do mean FINALLY), police chase John and Blind Man down and trap them in field. Note to self: leave Blind Guy and his messy soup behind when going on the lam!

The military is called out—for a monster and his blind sidekick?? What is this, The Falklands??? Anyway, these guys don’t fool around, check this out:

They set fire to the whole countryside! Maybe they’ve been bounty hunting in hills of So-Cal, too? Anyway, John fights valiantly, with all his hairy heart and messed-up ‘testines to protect his blind buddy, but to no avail…

Cops shoot and grab Sightless Sammy. Beastie John sad…

Behold the Beast who cries! Cops then put him outta his misery. Funny thing is, during course of the flick, the cops empty numerous rounds into the Beast to no avail. But in the end, it works! Guess flick was running overbudget, probably because of fire-fighting costs! Or maybe it was all the spilled soup! I can assure you it wasn’t money spent on light bulbs. Regardless, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and wipe the sleep from our eyes as film finally winds down…

But sigh of relief is too soon! Remember what the Devil said about John spreading misery? Well friends, he wasn’t lying! John would be back to torture us with 4 years of this:
“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A-Team.”

That’s right, John narrated, produced, and continued Satan’s work with THE A-TEAM! The HORROR!!

5 comments:

TABONGA! said...

Hey, Dungeon flick THE CREEP have 'loose maniac/dolls in store window' scene too!

prof. grewbeard said...

John Ashley wanted to be Elvis, plain & simple. he's always a hoot! he made movies in the Phillipines just so he could make it with the local women.

Anonymous said...

Afford to be a good thing to mention is insisted Fang Dexia, achievements are achievements that the people themselves.

Anonymous said...

Oh I see how its going to be, screen the stuff you don't like to hear, HEY, kind of like the republicans do.....

Anonymous said...

Zillagord wrote:

Meanwhile, Mexican officials hot on John’s trail. Evidently, they can see through the murk of the Yellow Night much better than we can. Here’s another of the film’s mysteries: why so many Latino cops in Philippines? Pay-offs better in the South Seas??
.......................

The Philippines were under Spanish rule for several centuries, so a lot of people in the Philippines have Spanish names.

So--these trigger-happy yahoos are the Philippines' finest, not Mexican policia.

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