Monday, January 25, 2010

TARKAN VIKING KANI - "Tarkan Vs The Vikings" (1971)

Well, you knew it was coming, so it really must be the end of the world, right there in beautiful your area, and you can't get away, straight outta Turkey, it's "Tarkan Vs The Vikings" The music is by nobody in particular, and there's probably not an original note in the whole soundtrack including a snippet of "Also Sprach Zarathustra!" Unmerciless, just like these Vikings!!

Enter Kartal Tibet as the mighty Tarkan, a fierce warrior who loves his dogs!!

What do you think??

I think we got a pretty good candidate for that 'Fool' award, Tarkan, Bilal Inci as the Viking leader Tora! Bilal was actually a pretty good looking dude, kind of a cross between Tom Selleck and Josef Stalin, but with this blonde dye job, and matching purple fuzzy toiletseat cover outfit, he looks the fool allright, and standing next to the vamp stunner Seher Seniz, as Lotus, doesn't help the situation any!!

There's a fire sale in the bathroom accessories department that no decent Viking could resist!!

This film is like one long fight scene with some sex, and some giant octopus scenes thrown in between, just to break up the action, and there is a minimum of three 'hatchet to the head' scenes!

Crap, now I've lost track of which guys are on what side!

It's really difficult to see past this bold fasion statement!!

Tarkan's best friend Kurt goes after Tora's leg!

But with a couple of arrows in Tarkan, and in what is less that a civil society, evil prevails!!

The bastard Tora killed Tarkan's dog Kurt, and is cursed forever and a day!! Tarkan really loved that dog!!

So while Tarkan is getting himself patched up, Mr. Tora and his Viking cronies go and take over another dude named Gero's joint! Gero has this cool giant octopus, and if you bug him, or get under his skin too deep, you just might find your self a sacrifice to the supervisor of the seas!!

Yo, Tora, you can have everything else, but we want the chicks!!

Then Gero's daughter, Eva Bender as the Amazing Amazon Ursula, comes back home to a dead father and a house full of flamboyant Vikings! What's a girl to do?

And the winner of the best "Viking Hat Prize" goes to the bass player from the Finnish death metal band 'Crusader Holocaust!'

Well, I kinda skipped the part at the beginning when the Vikings scored a touchdown by kidnapping the referee, I mean Atilla The Hun's daughter, Priscilla Hun, I mean Yonca, played by yet another Turkish delight named Fatma Belgen! Tarkan has been looking everywhere high and low for her, to no avail, but the one place he forgot to look, was behind him!!! Turk or Treat!!

Despite having sex with, 'Damn, Lotus looks fine,' Tarkan's not about to forget his true mission, defending the honour of his dog! As I said before, he really did love that dog!

Jeez, that's another thing I forgot about, The Chinese are taking over everything, one person at a time!! Oh, man, this is a convoluted story!!

Yonca trips up the action and saves Tarkan's life!

Lotus, despite hanging out with Tora, is actually a secret Chinese agent with a pension for knocking out her lovers, and not just with her looks!

Finally, Tora has both Lotus and Yonca under his control! What a lucky guy!

And Tarkan is the new political sacrifice to the Big "O"!!!

Wait!! Here comes Ursula and her Amazons, back to save the day!

I've got a fun idea, let's drop Yonca into the snake pit, by cutting off her hair by throwing axes one section at a time!! I'm surprised these guys weren't drinking a lot more beer!!

Still can't catch the slippery Tarkan!

There is still plenty enough time to have sex with Lotus again, who is looking better all the time!! From what I can understand, Seher Seniz was a beauty queen type that ended up taking her own life later on. Search her name for photos to see a lot more of her style of seduction!!

Ow!! Yet another hatchet to the cranium!!

The final battle between Tarkan and Tora eventually comes to a not that exciting conclusion!

It's a twofer with "Deathless Devil" and trust me you have nothing to lose, I guarantee!! Until the next time,

İyi Günler!!!


Greg Goodsell said...

I LOVE this awful thing!!!! Everything about this film is great, from the Village People extras and the lousy, deflated octopus prop that resembles a pool toy left in the sun for too long!

TABONGA! said...

Tabonga already put dumb-ass octopuss up for wallpaper! Cool!!

Anonymous said...

hahaha i had real fun reading this. actually this is not the first time i am seeing this movie, but your comments are really funny : ) thanks..

zillagord said...

It feel like I took a hatchet to the cranium after laughing so hard from reading this! Great pics, too.

Where can I get one of them hats with wings?

Anonymous said...

it is a great review and very nice comments :)
just a correction, dog is not a dog, actually it is wolf in the original story however acted by a dog in the movie. thanks...

KW said...

I brought this in to watch on our lunch break at work a while back. My coworkers still haven't forgiven me for it.

All of these screen caps would be great framed and hanging on a wall. I especially love this one:

Max said...

Crusader Holocaust! Didn't they tour with Impaled Nazarene?

belekenele said...

best film of Tarkan series.

Anonymous said...

Huns are the Turks. American Indians, Russians and Europeans are the Turks. Oneday we will change the hjistory again, we just need a hero, Allah will send the Mahdi.

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