FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN - James Bernard - "The Ugliest Angel Of Them All" (1967)

There's been a nifty ongoing article in the last couple of SCREEM magazines written by Joe Wawrzyniak called "Naked Terror: Playboy Playmates In Horror Films." The first issue was the 60's, the last one was the 70's, and the 80's are coming up in SCREEM #23. Anyway, it's really quite an imposing list, and I noticed there were a couple of films we haven't got around to yet, so let's get started with the 1967 Hammer feature "Frankenstein Created Woman!"

The music for "Frankenstein Created Woman" was created by Hammer workhorse James Bernard! Just go ahead and type James Bernard into our search engine, and be amazed at the array of titles attributed to the man! By contrast to many other composers, James only has 38 film titles to his name, but almost every one of them is a horror story!

These scientists have a different work ethic from what we're normally used to!

Christopher Lee is completely stoned throughout the whole movie and doesn't get one of his lines straight! No, that's not right, Peter Cushing is Baron Frankenstein, and he's just been brought back from the dead in an attempt to prove that the soul lives on for a while even after the physical body is dead, or as James Brown would say in 1970, "Soul Power!"

Playmate of the month August 1966 was a striking gal named Susan Denberg, and here she is cast in the role of Christina, the local innkeeper's scarred and disfigured daughter!

Let's back up a little bit, at the beginning of the film, a madman is executed via the guillotine, an event that was witnessed by his son! That son is now fully grown and is Baron Frankenstein's assistant Hans. Hans has gone to the local pub to acquire some wine to celebrate the Baron's latest accomplishments when the local rich kid hooligans drop by the inn to see what kind of trouble they can stir up! They are especially fond of making fun of the innkeeper's daughter, since she is such an easy target! The three assholes would be the ones with the top hats on!

The number one jerk is Peter"Cucumber Castle"Blythe as Anton, and he wants Christina to serve them because she also has a limp, and the bastards find it all very entertaining! Hans is hopelessly in love with Christina so you can probably figure where this is going!

So, Hows about a knuckle sandwich to go with that glass of whine, Anton??

Basically, what Hans says is C'mon mofo, I'd like you to meet my best friend, and your worst enemy!!

When the local constabulary arrives, it's a given that Hans is a little bit out of his nut, but the way they see it is, how wrong could he be, when it was one guy against three!!!

Christina's look to cover her scar is vintage, my personal fave, Veronica Lake! Hans was played by Robert Morris, who you probably remember from his role as Jerry Watson, in "Quatermass and the Pit!"

The Dumb F Trio return to serenade Christina from outside her bedroom window, not knowing Hans is in the sack with her!

Meanwhile, back in the lab, Baron Frankenstein and his assistant Thorley Walters as Dr. Hertz continue to work on soul extraction theory! Thorley played Dr. Watson in 4 separate Sherlock Holmes films and was also in the 1962 "Phantom Of The Opera," "Dracula, Prince Of Darkenss," and "Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed" just to name a few!

The Circle Jerk Three return to the inn to help themselves to some free booze, and when the owner shows up, they beat him to death!

Of course, Hans gets blamed for the ghastly murder, and after a quick trial, he's escorted to to the same guillotine that was used to execute his father!

Christina witnesses the execution just as Hans did, and immediately goes and throws herself off a bridge and drowns! Say what you will, but I think Susan puts in a very convincing and powerful performance!

Baron Frankenstein seizes the moment and decides it's the perfect opportunity to try out his latest experiment, a soul transplant!

What a proud Poppy!!

After Christina's return to life treatment, she's a completely different looking woman! Finally Hans and her are one, but not the way anybody expected!

At this particular fixed moment in time, Susan Denberg was possibly the most beautiful woman on the planet, or at the least, perfection personified!!!

The rest of the film is about Hans and Christina taking care of some business they needed to catch up on, starting with stooge #1 Anton!

The #2 dude thought he was going to get to meet some cleavage, not meat cleaver!!

Christina packed a little extra something special in the picnic basket for moron #3!

Don't worry Doc, they all had it coming, and you didn't actually kill anybody yourself, so don't worry, but, then again, you are going to have some explaining to do!!

Coming up on Saturday, the two for one special!

EYE OF THE DEVIL - Gary McFarland - "13" (1966)

Tonight's special feature is brought to you courtesy of our good pal over at the Angels In Distress Blog, Mr. Greg Goodsell, and is entitled "Eye Of The Devil!" This is THE movie that should actually be our flagship title, because just like this blog, it's original title is "13!" Evil is as evil does!!

Okay, so let's get this party rockin'.......Uh, Oh, Houston, I'm seeing a problem already!! The original score for "13" was written by the sensational jazz vibraphonist Gary McFarland whose real-life story is probably more exciting than this movie! Gary worked with some of the greatest names in jazz, like Bill Evans, Johnny Hodges, Stan Getz, Gerry Mulligan, and was an early exponent of 'orchestral jazz!' On November 3, 1971, Gary McFarland was poisoned by a drink spiked with methadone at the 55 Bar!! WTF!? Like, Weirdsville!!

Does this look like a freakin' barrel of monkeys worth of maximum fun or what?

Getting drunk and necking never seemed like a better idea! The host and hostess of this out of control affair are David Niven and Deborah Kerr as Philippe de Montfaucon and his lovely wife Catherine de Montfaucon! For me, David Niven wins the award for the most perfect looking man to have a martini in his hand! Runner-ups of course would be Frankie and Dino! Deborah Kerr was coming off of a fine film from a few years earlier called "The Innocents"!

The Marquis Montfaucon has been called back to his ancestral home, because there is a major league problem, the grape harvest has failed again, and his people are depending on him to do something about it! What a pad!!

It's not long at all before his old lady packs up the kids and follows him to find out what is at the root of all this sudden mystery!

Here's some cool info from Greg's review in "SCREEM" #22, "Based on the novel “The Day of the Arrow” by Robin Estridge, "Eye of the Devil" is essentially the familiar story of "normal" people trapped in an irrational, threatening environment. Evil towns protecting nasty secrets, a trope used by H. P. Lovecraft and in such fright film fare as "Horror Hotel" in 1960, and "2000 Maniacs" in 1964!"

Here are two more reasons to love "13," the sister and brother team of evil, Odile and Christian de Caray played by cult faves Sharon Tate and David Hemmings! "13" was Sharon Tate's first role ever, while David Hemmings had been acting for 12 years already!

Robert Duncan as Jacques de Montfaucon admires Odile's necklace and pendant! Robert had a total of four acting roles, "Rasputin: The Mad Monk," "The Uncle," "13" and the TV series "Out of the Unknown!" I think I'm starting to see a pattern!

Catherine doesn't understand why Odile and Christian are allowed to roam the estate and shoot doves, and after she confronts them on the issue, Christian aims his bow at her back as she exits the scene!

When Catherine tells Philippe what happened, he explains to her that Christian is way too good of a bowman to ever accidently shoot her! He also tries to convey to her that anything and everything she could ever possibly worry about is trivial compared to the big picture of what's really going on!

Sorry Philippe, but dude, it's too late to start praying now!!

Here's yet another awesome cat we've seen a lot of around here lately, Donald Pleasence as Pere Dominic, the local priest!

Not just because of what happened, but just because it's obvious by the way she photographs, Sharon Tate was something special!

First it was the kids, and then Catherine who had to learn the hard way that "Up On The Roof" was not the place to be, when you're in the company of Odile!

The Marquis has got a lot of responsibility on his hands, and centuries of family history has got the whole community expecting him, no, requiring him, to do something about it, post haste!

Seeking more information about what in the name of Hades is going on, Catherine goes to the family mausoleum searching in vain for answers, but all she finds are more questions!

Rhetorical Questions like "Who, or what in the Hell are you? "Who, who, who?"

"Eye Of The Devil" has a lot going on for it, like an all-star cast, and beautiful cinematography by Erwin Hillier, and yet it is clearly missing something intangible that you just can't quite put your finger on!

Irony, it's one of the damnedest concepts ever conceived of!

"Eye Of The Devil" is a film that deserves to be seen for a number of reasons, just don't get too excited about it, or you're apt to be disappointed!!

DANCING ON THE MOON - Murray Mencher/Charles Tobias (1935)

It's now our pleasure to go back in time another 20 years to 1935, and the fantastic Fleischer Brother's vision of the future, a little story called not Surfin', but "Dancing On The Moon"!!!

If you count Max Fleischer as Producer, there are only six people taking credit for the work you see and hear here, I know it's an unfair comparison but the first "Shrek" flick has something like 178 credits just for "Other Crew!" All total, probably close to 1000! My, how times have changed!

The perfectly amazing "Dancing On The Moon" theme song will get stuck in your head, and then launch your brain into orbit! "Dancing On The Moon" was co-written by Murray Mencher and Charles Tobias! Murray and Charlie were the two guys along with comedian Eddie Cantor who wrote the 'Merrie Melodies' theme song, "Merrily We Roll Along!" Charles also wrote "Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days Of Summer," and "Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree(With Anyone Else But Me)."

Great concept, a dollar per couple to go "Dancing On The Moon!" Looks to me like there's going to be quite a bit of hanky panky going on too! Speaking of "Hanky Panky," did you know that by the time Tommy James and the Shondell's hit #1 with that song (almost three years after it was released), the band had already broke up!

Uh-Oh, looks like this lovely young couple is running a little bit behind schedule!

Doggone it, the rocket took off and the young lady got left behind!

Nothing worse than being the only solo in a rocket full of couples! I realize it's only a cartoon, but this guy looks like he could really use one of Eegah's!! Ultima Margaritas, and here's the recipe for the latest version: A shot and a half of some decent tequila like Corralejo, Cabrito or Cazadores, a shot of grapefruit juice, a shot of orange juice, a shot of sweet & sour, half a lime, and a splash of Grand Mariner! Salud!! To better times!!

All the happy couples are having the time of their life! It's like some kind of futuristic Noah's ark!!

"Venus, Jupiter and Mars are all right tonight!"

"The Milky Way" as only The Fleischers could envision it!

I'd be willing to bet that the Director and Writer Tom Schiller, had seen "Dancing On The Moon" before making "Nothing Lasts Forever."

They got all their business done, and with a quick turnaround, it's back to terra firma, back to work, honeymoon's over!

Perpetuating the myth of the stork, kids in 1935 were a little mixed up about birth control! Now you know how the whole baby boomer thing got started!

Our hero had a crappy trip all by himself, and couldn't wait to get back to the woman he loved, but the stork didn't drop them off a kid, so she's pissed off and beats the crap out of him in typical loving Fleischer style!