FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN - James Bernard - "The Ugliest Angel Of Them All" (1967)

There's been a nifty ongoing article in the last couple of SCREEM magazines written by Joe Wawrzyniak called "Naked Terror: Playboy Playmates In Horror Films." The first issue was the 60's, the last one was the 70's, and the 80's are coming up in SCREEM #23. Anyway, it's really quite an imposing list, and I noticed there were a couple of films we haven't got around to yet, so let's get started with the 1967 Hammer feature "Frankenstein Created Woman!"

The music for "Frankenstein Created Woman" was created by Hammer workhorse James Bernard! Just go ahead and type James Bernard into our search engine, and be amazed at the array of titles attributed to the man! By contrast to many other composers, James only has 38 film titles to his name, but almost every one of them is a horror story!

These scientists have a different work ethic from what we're normally used to!

Christopher Lee is completely stoned throughout the whole movie and doesn't get one of his lines straight! No, that's not right, Peter Cushing is Baron Frankenstein, and he's just been brought back from the dead in an attempt to prove that the soul lives on for a while even after the physical body is dead, or as James Brown would say in 1970, "Soul Power!"

Playmate of the month August 1966 was a striking gal named Susan Denberg, and here she is cast in the role of Christina, the local innkeeper's scarred and disfigured daughter!

Let's back up a little bit, at the beginning of the film, a madman is executed via the guillotine, an event that was witnessed by his son! That son is now fully grown and is Baron Frankenstein's assistant Hans. Hans has gone to the local pub to acquire some wine to celebrate the Baron's latest accomplishments when the local rich kid hooligans drop by the inn to see what kind of trouble they can stir up! They are especially fond of making fun of the innkeeper's daughter, since she is such an easy target! The three assholes would be the ones with the top hats on!

The number one jerk is Peter"Cucumber Castle"Blythe as Anton, and he wants Christina to serve them because she also has a limp, and the bastards find it all very entertaining! Hans is hopelessly in love with Christina so you can probably figure where this is going!

So, Hows about a knuckle sandwich to go with that glass of whine, Anton??

Basically, what Hans says is C'mon mofo, I'd like you to meet my best friend, and your worst enemy!!

When the local constabulary arrives, it's a given that Hans is a little bit out of his nut, but the way they see it is, how wrong could he be, when it was one guy against three!!!

Christina's look to cover her scar is vintage, my personal fave, Veronica Lake! Hans was played by Robert Morris, who you probably remember from his role as Jerry Watson, in "Quatermass and the Pit!"

The Dumb F Trio return to serenade Christina from outside her bedroom window, not knowing Hans is in the sack with her!

Meanwhile, back in the lab, Baron Frankenstein and his assistant Thorley Walters as Dr. Hertz continue to work on soul extraction theory! Thorley played Dr. Watson in 4 separate Sherlock Holmes films and was also in the 1962 "Phantom Of The Opera," "Dracula, Prince Of Darkenss," and "Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed" just to name a few!

The Circle Jerk Three return to the inn to help themselves to some free booze, and when the owner shows up, they beat him to death!

Of course, Hans gets blamed for the ghastly murder, and after a quick trial, he's escorted to to the same guillotine that was used to execute his father!

Christina witnesses the execution just as Hans did, and immediately goes and throws herself off a bridge and drowns! Say what you will, but I think Susan puts in a very convincing and powerful performance!

Baron Frankenstein seizes the moment and decides it's the perfect opportunity to try out his latest experiment, a soul transplant!

What a proud Poppy!!

After Christina's return to life treatment, she's a completely different looking woman! Finally Hans and her are one, but not the way anybody expected!

At this particular fixed moment in time, Susan Denberg was possibly the most beautiful woman on the planet, or at the least, perfection personified!!!

The rest of the film is about Hans and Christina taking care of some business they needed to catch up on, starting with stooge #1 Anton!

The #2 dude thought he was going to get to meet some cleavage, not meat cleaver!!

Christina packed a little extra something special in the picnic basket for moron #3!

Don't worry Doc, they all had it coming, and you didn't actually kill anybody yourself, so don't worry, but, then again, you are going to have some explaining to do!!

Coming up on Saturday, the two for one special!