NIGHT GALLERY / "Hell's Bells" - 1971

Here's a wild tale starring our favorite wild man, John Astin, as hippie Randy Miller, who finds out that Hell isn't what he thought it'd be...

We start with someone driving 90 miles an hour through the woods at night.

That someone is hipster Randy Miller, we see him push the gas pedal all the way to the floor as he sits calmly behind the wheel.

UH-OH!!!

And he runs off the road and rolls down a hill, then his car explodes, killing him.

On the way to wherever he's going from there, monster heads harass him and one of them swallows him down...

He slides down a chute and ends up in a waiting room!

A woman pops in to pick up the gum wrapper he threw on the floor. He asks her.. Lady, what's going on around here? She answers him with with an angry voice... Go through that door when the sign says 'next' and, MY NAME IS FAT LADY!! She disappears.

As he's waiting for his turn, Randy tries to imagine what Hell's like with visions of the underworld filling his head, and he says.. What a trip!!

Finally, the 'next' sign signals that Randy's up to bat.

As he enters, he notices that it's an old fashioned room with a fireplace, chairs and lots of wallpaper on the walls.

He sees a record player and puts a tune on, hoping to hear his band's song or some current hits, but it plays old swing tunes! The hipster tries to turn it off but it just keeps playing the old tunes, much to his displeasure!

He sits down by an old gentleman and asks him.. Hey, did you hear about the Beatles breaking up? Bummer! And the old man replies.. We use arsenic on them, it works great!

Then he just smiles back at Randy.

Then this couple is ready to start showing 8,500 slides from their last vacation!

Randy is totally confused. The devil pops in and Randy wants to know where in the Hell's the action, what he's experiencing so far is just plain... BORING!!

The devil informs Randy that in heaven, they have exactly the same thing there, it's just a matter of what individuals consider their heaven and Hell! Then the devil leaves.

The couple, with glee, start their slide show of their vacation, explaining what's going on with each slide they put up...

Needless to say, Randy is in his own personal Hell, an afterlife of BOREDOM!! I can identify with that!! We love John Astin!!!

TED CASSIDY - "Beyond Lurch" (1959 - 1978)

This week's Saturday Night Special is a tribute to Dungeon Hero Ted Cassidy, better known to most people as Lurch on "The Addam's Family," but Lurch was only the very beginning of this big man's career!

 

Ted Cassidy was 6' 9" tall and played football and basketball, but he was also super intelligent, and began going to high school when he was only eleven years old!

In the late 50's, he was a lifeguard in Florida.

Because of his towering height, Ted actually had trouble finding work at first, but after playing Lurch, there was no turning back!

Curiously enough, Ted also played The Thing in the box because he had the longest arms.

Because of Ted's larger than life voice, he also did a lot of voice overs and narrations in the movies and on TV. His first credit for anything was in 1959 as the voice of the Martian in "The Angry Red Planet." I got a Wollensak tape recorder just like this for X-Mas when I was in about eighth grade. Lost in the sands of time, and never to be recovered, Tabonga and I made our very first sound productions on it. Bill Cosby and The Smothers Brothers were two of our early comedic inspirations.

In the mid 60's Ted was the opening announcer for "The Atom Ant Show," which is kind of funny I think when you consider how big Ted was, and how small Atom Ant was.

In 1966, Ted was 'The Slave' in the "Lost In Space" episode titled "The Thief From Outer Space."

 

Ted was in three episodes of "Star Trek," including this one from 1966 called "The Corbomite Maneuver," where he did the voice of "Balok's Puppet."

In 1967, Ted played a dim-witted character named Monte on the TV show "Laredo." The episode was titled "The Small Chance Ghost."

In a 1968 episode of the TV show "Daniel Boone," Ted had the role of a guy named Gentle Sam.

Also in 1968, Ted was Hamid in an episode of "I Dream Of Jeannie," called "Please, Don't Feed The Astronauts."

 

Besides Lurch, one of Ted's most memorable roles was that of Harvey Logan in the 1969 hit movie "Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid." Cassidy Vs. Cassidy, as it were.

In a 1970 episode of "Bonanza," Ted had a role as Garth, who Ben Cartwright is trying to avoid getting into a fight with.

 

 

 In 1974, Ted had the role of Isiah in a TV movie called "Planet Earth" that also starred Jon Saxon.

 

In 1976-77, Ted played Bigfoot in two separate episodes of "The Six Million Dollar Man."

In the 1978 cartoon series "Challenge Of The Superfriends," Ted did the voice of Brainiac as seen here, and also the voices of Black Manta, and Diamond Exchange Man."

Yet another memorable role of Ted's was as Ruk in the "Star Trek" episode titled "What Are Little Girls Made Of" that also included Sherry Jackson. Actually, all of Ted's roles were memorable in one way or another, and he was either in, or did voices in much more than I've shown you here. All that, and he did it before the age of 46.

I got most of these photos from a video on YouTube called "The Life Of Ted Cassidy" that I suggest you watch if you'd like to know even more about this great man!

There is one thing I should make perfectly clear, despite all his amazing accomplishments, Ted never played drums for the band Spirit. That was Ed Cassidy!

MERRIE MELODIES / "The Trial Of Mr. Wolf" - 1941

Here's an hilarious WB cartoon, when cartoons were works of pure art, no crutches like today. And what else, it's written by my guy, Michael Maltese, so you know it'll be a winner!

Mr. wolf is on trial for his evil antics, but he's portraying himself as a little angel...

The jury is all wolves and one skunk, seems like Mr. Wolf has it made!

The defense lawyer argues that Red Riding Hood is guilty...

Guilt is written all over her face!

Since there are always two sides to every story, our Mr. Wolf starts telling the story from his perspective.

Well, he was out picking flowers for his dear sweet mom, when, Red Riding Hood approaches him, saying that she has lost her way and can't find her grandma's house! 

Mr. Wolf pulls out his trusty compass and it locates grandma's house.

Red jumps onto her motorcycle and rushes away with the wolf in the sidecar!

And moments later she's on the path that leads to her grandma's place.

Obviously Mr. Wolf's not paying attention!

In the house, grandma tells him.. You have such big eyes! And he responds.. The better to enjoy all the splendors of nature! Then she pulls out her big old mallet.

After he almost gets his head clobbered, the wolf tries to get out of the house.

But no matter what door he opens, grandma has a big surprise waiting for him!

And when he finally thinks he can get away, grandma conks him on the head.

She jumps on him and starts strangling his pencil neck!.. And he ends with, it's a miracle he got away from that crazy old lady!

Even the jury of wolves aren't buying the ridiculous story he just told.

Mr. Wolf then tells the court...  If I'm not telling the truth, may I... May I get run over by a streetcar!

In an instant karma moment, well, a freaking streetcar runs him the Hell over.

And after that he says... Well, I may have exaggerated a little... And a brick in the wall falls free and hits him where it hurts the most! Great cartoon I loved as a kid.