What can I say about a film this classic that you haven't read, heard or seen before? If you haven't seen it, please do so, you can find it on Netflix, and if you have seen it, then watch it again, I'm sure that just like me, you've probably forgotten how good a film it really is!
Here's the star of the movie, William Castle's granddaddy,
"The Black Castle" itself!
Besides the people that dwell here, The Castle has issues of it's own! I was just reading about a 45 room place in England for sale, that had no indoor pumbing! Something like 4 and a half million dollars and no bathroom, what a deal!!
You've all heard the song about the "Green Door," but if you really want to get pickled, you need to head on over to the "Green Man" bar! The "Blue Man" group plays there every other Thursday!
On the left is Stephen (The Fiend Who Walked The West) McNally as the oh so sinister Count Karl von Bruno, and on the right is Richard (143 episodes of Robin Hood) Greene as Sir Ronald Burton, alias Richard Beckett, a man out to find out why a couple of his best friends died mysteriously!!
The always amazing Boris Karloff is Dr. Meissen! Boris not only makes a great Frankenstein, he also can play a benevolent Doctor with ease, and he's not messin' around!
Rita (The Body Snatcher) Corday is the evil Count's wife, Countess Elga von Bruno! I can't imagine why Rita changed her name from the name she was born with, Jeanne Paule Teipotemarga!! Even more so, her credits on this film are as Paula Corday!
Well, you can see where this is going, Sir Ronald and The Countess are getting along a lot better than him and The Count for some reason!
This is what you call a very strategically placed clue!!
What a pair of scalliwags! The Count is joined by his best buddy, Michael (Curse Of The Undead) Pate as Count Ernst von Melcher! It's amazing, not only do these two look like brothers, they're in the two movies in title that I always get mixed up about, "The Fiend That Walked The West," and "Curse Of The Undead!"
The duo of doom are joined here by yet another incredibly amazing talent, John (Attack Of The Puppet People, 2 Episodes of The Twilight Zone, and 3 Outer Limits) Hoyt as Count Steiken! It seems like the word Count must have been a pseudonym for stinkin' bastard back in the day! If there would have been two more counts, we could of had a "Psychotic Reaction!"
Okay, if you're not convinced yet, Lon Chaney Jr. is also in this film as the big lummox Gargon always sneaking into somebody's bedroom at night!!
Just in case he's not crazy enough, here's a hint as to why Count von Bruno wears an eyepatch!!
Just for kicks, The Count and his castle also sport an alligator pit that has to be circumvented thusly!!
Now if he just had a computer sitting in front of him, I'd say this is what I look like a lot of the time lately!!
"The Black Castle" might be 60 years olde, but I'm still not going to tell you how it started or ended! It's just that damn good! Don't take my word for it, see for yourself!!
"CONQUEST!" Is it the past or is it the future? "CONQUEST" is goremeister director Lucio Fulci's foray from Giallo into supernatural splatter sword and sandaltry! So what would you expect, it's a mess in more ways than one, and I can't think of a better film to do on the night of our pal Zillagord's graduation! It's prefect on multiple levels!!
Andrea (Augh! Augh!) Occhipinti is Ilias, the future King of the world or something like that! It's really not all that important! Andrea turned his hand to producing in the mid 90's to the present day! His last production was on a Sean Penn vehicle last year titled "This Must Be The Place!"
This is Ilias's most formidable foe, an evil witch of a woman also with her own plans for the remainder of civilization! It doesn't really look like there's that much left except a few smoke machines, so I'm not sure what the big deal is! Sabrina (White Cannibal Queen - Daughter Of The Jungle) Siani has the role of witchy bitch queen Ocron! 
This dream sequence of the man with no face and a magic electronic bow is as good a place as any to tell you that the Goblinesque music for this film was created by a cat named Claudio Simonetti, the former keyboardist for none other than Goblin, who of course worked on Dario Argento's "Deep Red," "Suspiria," and "Phenomena!" Here's a good one, Simonetti originally wanted to name the band 'Oliver!' This stuff is not anything you'd ever hear in any Hercules movie, that's for sure, and the second part of this little clip sounds like "Guzanos!" The music is great and creates even that much more confusion of where and what the Hell is going on!
If I'm not mistaken, break dancing was quite popular in 1983!
This is Mace! Mace is anti-social, and likes animals more than he likes humans! Mace is played by Mexican strongman Jorge Rivero whose first film in 1965 was called "Neutron Traps The Invisible Killers," where he had the masked role of El Enmascarado de Oro! Jorge also had one of the co-starring roles in John Wayne's "Rio Lobo!"
"CONQUEST" is kind of a buddy movie, they don't really seem to know where they are going or what they are doing, but they both really like Ilias's magic bow!
There are lots of freaky otherworld creatures.......
....frozen fuggin' mummies, and giant turtles are just some of the things they must endure on their journey!
These guys get attacked numerous times by the minions of whatever is deeper than Hell, but their new found friendship somehow allows them to continue onward in search of a dream!
As seen here, you can tell the bow is pretty cool and also very effective. There's only one problem, it does run out of arrows after a while, and there always seems to be more bad guys around the next corner!
Everybody has a favorite movie, and I'm sure "CONQUEST" is on somebody's list for shots like this if nothing else!
There's a buttload of violence, gore and nudity in "CONQUEST" and it does carry an 'R' rating! In this scene, supreme bad thing Zora, delivers Ilias's head to Ocron!!
Now you know why she wears a mask!
After inheriting the bow, Mace takes care of business....
.......And walks off into the sunset ready to face the next challenge!
Ask yourself, do you really want to see these gals naked? And look at the size of the thighs on Mace, and No, there are no motorcycles in this film! See, now you agree, it all makes sense!
