TRAPPED IN PARADISE - "Ain't It The Truth" (1994)

My last Christmas feature of this terrific year has a title that I think we can all identify with, "Trapped In Paradise." I don't watch newer modern movies much, then I realized that this movie is 26 years old! So welcome to a Dungeon Warm Walnuts in Wonderland Wednesday!

 

Seriously, I don't know what to say about "Trapped In Paradise." I kind of liked it, sort of. It's not exactly great, and it's not really horrible, so I guess it's okay, and I can tell you one thing for sure, it is definitely a Christmas movie!

Christmas days and nights of futures past.

"Trapped In Paradise" stars Nicholas Cage as small time con man Bill Firpo who is seriously trying to go legit.

The problem is that Bill Firpo has two completely worthless idiot brothers who are just getting released from jail right before Christmas. The brothers are none other than Dana Carvey as Alvin Firpo, and Jon Lovitz as Dave Firpo.

Let's all share a pensive holiday moment together!

Tabonga used to have a copy of this issue of "Weekly World News," but I think he sold it on eBay.

Alvin Firpo has a serious problem with kleptomania, and he'll steal almost anything.

Now is this a festive scene or what?

Bill Firpo gets sucked into robbing a small town bank with his idiot brothers, and everything goes to Hell from there.

After a number of calamities, they try to get away by hitchhiking and are picked up and taken to Paradise.

They are taken in and given dry clothes and fed by a wonderful family, and the gracious Father of the family just happens to be the President of the bank they just robbed. Bill's starting to feel a lot of guilt! They had masks on, so he doesn't recognize them, but they sure recognize him!

I just love this shot of the "Tick Tock Diner."

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

Looks like a shot from an Agatha Christie Christmas novel.

Bill's love interest is Mädchen Amick who was Shelly Johnson and Shelly Briggs in both the "Twin Peaks series. I love her because although she was born in Nevada, she has an umlaut in her name which literally means Girl in German.

The rest of the movie is about the brothers trying to escape, and being treated oh so nice by all the people they stole from, and Bill finally decides they need to try and return the money.

 

The trio of misfits return the money, and even though everybody knows they are guilty as Hell, they don't have any real proof, and all is forgiven.

After all, it is Christmas time!

 

The moral of the story is that even if you're a complete jackass, if you turn your life around, and truly mean it, then "All Roads Are Open" to you!

Ho, Ho, Ho!!!

CARTUNE CLASSICS / "Toyland Premiere" - 1934

Here's an Oswald The Rabbit color cartoon from Universal Studios. Santa must prepare for a parade and reception given by Oswald. Tex Avery does the voice of Santa!

So, Santa gets a telegram from Oswald saying for him to come on to NY, everything's ready for the celebration!

The jolly old guy opens up the box where he stores his Xmas costume and a ton of moths fly out, tickling his nose. 

His costume ist kaput and he's devastated by the fact that he can't go to the celebration. In the meantime the elves color his clothes with red paint, then string corn kernels together for his trim and light them. They all pop (finishing the look) and Santa can now make the event. Way to go little elves!

So, it's time to hit the sky, Santa's followed by a long line of giant rubber balloon characters and a bunch of elves to hold down the balloons for the parade.

The parade's over and Oswald greets Santa at a large department store.

A number of stars show up to wish Santa well. Here's Tarzan with his real wife, the Mexican Spitfire, Lupe Valez!

Laurel and Hardy are there!

There's Frankenstein's Monster and Mammy's Al Jolson. Also there are Shirley Temple and Bing Crosby.

When Ollie tries to pick a cherry off of the chocolate cake, the mean old monster chases the two funny guys away from the table.

Stan and Ollie end up running into the costume department. Low and behold, there's a dragon costume and they come up with a plan to get the cake.

After a 'dragon' scares all the guests away from the table, Santa toots out a call to arms on a horn and all the toys join together to wage war on the intruder!

The toy airplanes attack, exposing Stan and Ollie in the costume.

These army guys shoot their little machine gun mounted on a roller skate!

Santa gets in the act and launches a few pies for good measure.

Little Indians use a woman's corset to shoot bunches of arrows at the screaming fake dragon as it tries to get away from its attackers.

Stan and Ollie surrender and the party continues.

After such a terrific time, Santa cannot control his Christmas joy! So, like, check back Wednesday as we close in on Xmas Day, here at the Dungeon!!..

HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS - "Murder For Christmas" (1994)

 

In the "One Good Turn Deserves Another" Department, I gave you an episode of "Agatha Christie's Poirot" for Halloween, and now here's another episode of this fine show for Christmas, and yet another Saturday Night Special down in The Dungeon thanks to my good friend in Berlin, Lord Litter!

 

No matter who else is in one of these shows, the star will always be David Suchet. I'm not sure if I ever want to see David as another character, he's just so perfect as this one!

Appropriately enough, this episode called "Hercule Poirot's Christmas" aired on Christmas Day 1994.

This episode starts off with a young Simeon Lee and his partner finding some diamonds in South Africa. Simeon tells his partner, "We're going to be rich." Young Simeon is played by Scott Handy who was also a musician that was in a late 80's band called "Ice Cold In Alice."

 

Unfortunately for his partner, Simeon meant I'm, when he said we. Also unfortunate for him, he got shot before he could finish this vile act!

He would have died out in the middle of nowhere if this young woman hadn't saved his ass. He pays her back by knocking her up, and disappearing into the night. The young woman was played by Liese Benjamin in her sole outing as an actress.

As the caption says, next thing we know is that it is 40 years later in London.

 

This is now the residence of Simeon Lee. He has seemingly done quite well for himself!

Simeon Lee is a cantankerous mean olde bastard. He's supposedly confined to a wheelchair, but when left alone, he doesn't seem to have any problems walking over to his safe where he now keeps his diamonds.

The elder Simeon is played by a man who is also known as "the patron saint of the acting profession," Vernon Dobtcheff. While not a household name in America, Vernon has 366 acting credits to his name including "The Spy Who Loved Me," and "Indiana Jones And The Lost Crusade."

Meanwhile, Hercule Poirot has settled in for a gourmet meal, and a nice quiet evening at home alone.

Poirot gets a call from Simeon Lee summoning him to his home that he has no interest in, but since his heating system has stopped working, he reluctantly agrees to take Simeon up on his offer since it includes a warm place to stay.

Simeon Lee is a greedy olde fart who loves his diamonds much more than he loves his children! He wants Poirot there because he doesn't trust anybody.

Simeon Lee has requested the presence of his children at Christmas for the reading of his will. Those attending are his three sons, George, as played by Eric (The Beast Must Die) Carte, Alfred played by Simon (Fat Slags) Roberts, and Harry, as portrayed by Brian (The Gentle Touch) Gwaspari. 

 

Also attending are George and Alfred's wives, Andrée (Absolute Beginners) Bernard as Magdalene, and Catherine (Roger Corman's Frankenstein Unbound) Rabett as Lydia. Harry's not married, so the third woman is Sasha (Dr. Who, Sherlock) Behar as Pilar, the olde man's granddaughter, who we find out later is actually an imposter!

This is an Agatha Christie tale, so it should be no big surprise that the olde man gets murdered, and each and every one of the family is a possible suspect! Now it's up to Poirot to untangle this web of deceit!

 

 Poirot goes to a novelty shop, and buys a fake mustache, and places it on this portrait of Simeon Lee.

I'll give you one clue. 

With the mustache in place, the portrait of Simeon looks an awful lot like the local police inspector as played by Mark (The Limehouse Golem) Tandy.

Just in case you're not feeling it this year and have any doubts.

 

When it's all over, Poirot and his good friend Chief Inspector Japp as played by Phillip (The Doctor and the Devils) Jackson, exchange gifts. Poirot bought Japp a box of cigars because he felt guilty after the Inspector gave him his gift, but he is genuinely less than thrilled with the gloves the Inspector's wife made for him. When the Chief Inspector asks Poirot if he isn't going to put them on, Poirot tells him that no, he will only wear them for special occasions!