TWO THOUSAND MANIACS! / Friedman-Lewis Productions - 1964

Welcome to Friday Night Drive-In with Tabonga, here at The Dungeon!.. Tonite's offering is an effective little story from the twisted mind of good old Herschell Gordon Lewis. I'm pretty sure I saw this one at a drive-in in '64, the only place that showed blood and gore at the time. Also, it stars Connie Mason, Playboy Magazine's Playmate of the Month, June 1963.

You can tell from this poster that it's going to be a bumpy ride for someone!

It's a simple story that goes like this... The citizens of Pleasant Valley lure six Yankee tourists off the highway and into their town, where they become reluctant guests for a centennial celebration of the day a band of renegade Union troops decimated their town! The tourists are forced to participate in some special events the mayor and his pals have cooked up for them, it's some real southern-fried hospitality!..

The strange organ/guitar music is by Larry Wellington, also known for composing chills in THE GRUESOME TWOSOME, BLAST OFF GIRLS, SHE-DEVILS ON WHEELS, JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT and THE WIZARD OF GORE! The rebel bluegrass music is played by The Pleasant Valley Boys, my dad was a mandolin player and bluegrass freak.

Okay, luttuce now bring in our littlest Dungeon helper and button pusher, Rufus The Gnat! Rufus has buzzed in to do what he does on a Friday Night, that is, start our show. Push the big red 'GO' button there in front of you, now, Rufus! Here's... TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!

For true horror, there ain't nothin' scarier than somebloody like this, helping run the railroad! We all def-fa-nit-lee gonna haf' sum, err, U no... FUN!!

Howdy, y'all!.. I'm Rick Perry and I wanna receed from the Union!! WHEEEE!!!...........

All the townsfolk pretend to serenade the unsuspecting yankees, you know, the ones they can't wait to watch die in some über sadistic manner! You can see the sheer glee in their shining little mushes..

So, here's how it starts, they have a hot chick call hubby, she invites him to an event, to separate him from wifey...

Hubby leaves, so, Captain Slick calls wifey and invites her on a date! And, of course, she's horny!!..

After they make out for awhile, Slick show her his big, sharp knife and then proceeds to slowly (and, painfully) cut her thumb off! Looks like this kind of stuff is just in a day's work for old Slick, I wonder what he does for a living?!

Back at the mayor's office, he tell's her that, well, Slick told you not to move! The advice doesn't really help much.

Iz anybloody gonna 'ax' me whut I'm doin'?!..

There, that should make her stop cryin' about her stupid thumb!

Then, for this yankee, it's off to the races!!..

Yee-Haw!!!.. Oh, the South's gonna rise, again!!

Who in the Hell came up with this?!!.. These maniacs have way too much time on their hands!! Would this method be considered enhanced interrogation?

Nothing tops this gag!! Hit that target with a baseball and the boulder falls onto the person tied up below! Simple, archaic, twisted, and, very effective at flattening things out. Especially them damn yankees!!

Now, I'll prove ta' everbloody that it don't hardly take no brains at all ta' hit that there target with this little old baseball, here, watch!..

Boo-yah, y'all!!..

Tom and Terry barely make their getaway as some of the maniacs are hot on their trail.

Tom has to move a branch and dump the kid before they can finally burn rubber the Hell away from there!

Tom and Terry go to the Sheriff's Office first thing and tell their unbelievable story. So, the Sheriff takes them back to the spot and there's nothing there, just like he told them. I'll bet those other four yankees are really dead, though!

THE CLIMAX - Edward Ward - "This Is The Biggest Moment Of My Life" (1944)

That's it! It's over, and here's "THE CLIMAX!" Pretty weird just to get started, the climax is at the beginning, and not the end! That's like eating with your butt!!

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"The Climax" was produced in 1944, and was Boris Karloff's first technicolor feature! I've read a lot of reviews, and most people don't seem to think that's enough!

For me, just seeing Boris in living colour for the first time is mesmerizing, and is well worth the admission price alone! What the Hell, it only cost like ten cents to get into the movies in 1944, and that was probably for a double header! Before this, most people thought Boris was green!!

Who cares that this film moves along like a cross between "The Phantom Of The Opera" and "My Fair Lady!" Out of the 86 minutes it's on the screen, I'd be willing to wager that 25 or 30 minutes of it is music, and there's no soundtrack listing! What an enigma!!

Flashback ten years to Boris's true love, the singer Marcellina, who was portrayed by June Vincent! June was in a couple other very cool 40's flicks, "Black Angel," and "The Creeper" before going on to have a very long career on TV!

In this film, Boris Karloff is Dr. Friedrich Hohner, who is madly, with the emphasis on mad, in love with Marcellina! Unfortunately for him, and her, she's mouthing the words "I hate you" right about here!

Dr. Friedrich Hohner is not the kind of man to take "No!" for an answer! If I had to guess, he's thinking, if I can't have you, nobody can!

When all that high pitched squealing isn't going on, any other music in the movie was written by Edward Ward, a gentleman I don't think we've ever mentioned before who has a massive array of composing credits going all the way back to 1928! Not only did Edward write the music for the 1943 feature "The Phantom Of The Opera," and the song "Lullaby Of The Bells,"
he also did stuff like writing a song called "West Wind Whistlin'" for the short featurette, "Dudes Are Pretty People" starring the wanderin' cowboy, Jimmy Rogers! Edward Ward's compositions would be used for years as stock music!!

This is Susanna Foster as Angela Klatt! Yes, the same Susanna Foster who the year before sang the aforementioned "Lullaby Of The Bells" in "The Phantom Of The Opera!" I think I'm starting to see a pattern!

Angela's accompanist and lover is Turhan Bey as Franz Munzer! Turhan Gilbert Selahattin Sahultavy was born in Austria to Turkish and Czechoslovakian parents, which might explain his exotic look and his roles in "The Mummy's Tomb," "Arabian Nights," "Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves," "The Amazing Mr. X," and the TV series "Babylon 5!" Turhan must be in his 90's by now, but I'm pretty sure he's still kickin'!

I've gotta stop and get a bite to eat! Five good sized sausages? Now I know how they hit all those high notes!! An old customer of mine gave me a bottle of El Mexicalense Oro Tequila from Mexico today, so now I've got something to wash down that sausage with! Life is good!

That is quite an outfit, "Fly Trans-Love Airways, get you there on time!" - Donovan

As I said before, "The Climax" is really a musical, and the sets and costumes are something else, and during Angela's performance, Franz gets into it so much, he starts singing along, and annoying his fellow audience members! "Play Abracadabra!!"

Nobody had sang Marcellina's songs for 10 years, and that was just the way Boris wanted it, and liked it!

So as the house Doctor, Boris tells Angela that he needs to examine her throat.......

......and then he hypnotizes her into thinking she can't sing anymore!!!

The boy King has to get involved, and is petitioned to require that Angela must perform for him, so she has to sing whether she can or not!!

The main dude in this he-man number is George Dolenz as Amato Rosellino, who besides being a great actor was no less than the father of future Monkee singer and drummer, Mickey Dolenz! George died at 55 in 1963, three years before the first "Monkees" show ever aired!

Despite the odds, the spell is broken, and Angela is able to sing her little heart out again,....But..

....It drives Boris even crazier, over the edge, and into whatever is nuttier than a fruitcake!

Boris had been carrying a torch for Marcellina for ten years and had a little altar mausoleum thing where he was storing her, and she looked remarkably good, before he kicked over the torch, and turned the whole place into a burning ring of pyre!

Angela's revival of Marcellina's song was a huge success, and with Boris no longer interfering, there can be an almost fairy tale ending, and The King gets to enjoy the show! There's only one problem, The King was none other than a 15 year old Scotty "Winky" Beckett, whose biography just didn't allow for any happy endings, real or imagined!