DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS - Caroline Munro - "I'm The Warrior Of Love" (1984)

 Well, there ain't much we can do anymore that hasn't been done before; all we can do is put our own spin on it! That being said, tonight's Saturday Night X-Mas Special has been a public domain film for some time even though it was only made in 1984, and why? Well, honestly, who the Hell in modern civilized society wants to see Santa Claus get murdered viciously at least nine times in one movie!? Can you say bummer??

As this German DVD case clearly shows, this is not a film for the kiddies! 

 

I think the general sentiment was don't open this at all, like never, unless.........

Historically, Soho has been a hotbed of entertainment in movies for years!

This go round we have a series of Santa Claus murders, and it's not even written by Edgar Wallace!

I lost count, but I think there are a total of nine Santas that brutally eat it in this movie, and most of them are either drunks or perverts!

There's the Experience Santa, the Theatre Santa, the Dungeon Santa, the Store Santa, the Market Santa, the Circus Santa and more!

Oh, Yeah, Don't forget the sexy birds in Santa outfits!

When the perv Santa gets his just rewards, this peep show gal can't identify the killer because there was so much blood splattered on the glass!

Like they were even trying, this film creates absolutely no sympathy for all the future dead Santas! They're all basically worthless anyway!

Even Santa has to go sometime!

The reindeer are going to go hungry tonight!

Then suddenly out of all this mirth and mayhem comes this scene!

 

The tantalizing Caroline (Starcrash) Munro as herself does a musical number called "I'm The Warrior Of Love" that just screams 1984!!

This is some seriously WTF!? stuff!!!!

But before the song ends, yet another Santa bites the dust!

It's almost too much for Caroline to take! 

Even though she's only in this movie for two or three minutes, I saw a couple of VHS/DVD covers that displayed her name as one of the stars!

In a pretty gruesome yet comical scene, this Santa gets his weenie lopped off!

Sweet component combination turntable and cassette player!

This is where all the animosity towards Santa is revealed! 

Seems the kid saw more that just Mama kissing Santa Claus!

And to all a good night!
KA-BLOOEY!!

TABONGA'S 11th DAY OF XMAS: 11 Scary Santas

Today is the 11th Day of Xmas, so, lets get this road on the show!!.. Scary Santas is a funny concept to me, a total contradiction to the institution of spreading joy around the world.

This poster is just plain awesome, kudos to the dude that came up with that creepy shot!

Looks like Santa's only concentrating on the little brats that have been bad this year!

Here's a whacked out Xmas story about a son who kills his mom and the guy in a Santa costume she's making love to. Santa's revenge becomes the son's Xmas present.

Looks like you're going to get a little stab from Santa if you try to claim your presents!!

A flame thrower is a fun Xmas surprise! And, we love Malcolm McDowell, here at The Dungeon.

This poster has a fifties feel to it, just a butcher's knife stuck into a Xmas present that bleeds.

I had to include Herman Munster in this post, Eegah!! and I grew up watching this great show and only have fond memories of it.

And, remember all you kids out there, Scary Santa's always looking for new little helpers!

Some of these authentic 'child on the lap of Santa' photos from the past are a total hoot.

This doctored up Santa's face seems to match up nicely with the kids' turmoil..

I'll finish up with this hilarious shot of Santa, not exactly scary, but, a perfect way to end the show. Just think if YOU had to deliver a toy to every kid on Earth in just one night!!! Eegah!! is here tomorrow with another early Xmas present for you!

DAS GEHEIMNIS DER SCHWARZEN KOFFER - Gert Wilden - "The Secret Of The Black Trunk" (1962)

Holiday greetings, and welcome to another Edgar Wallace Wednesday down in The Dungeon!

Tonight's feature is titled "Das Geheimnis Der Schwarzen Koffer," or "The Secret Of The Black Trunk!"

Here are the stars of the show, the black trunk, and his buddy, the little dark satchel!

Here's the deal!

We're back in jolly olde London, and somebody is murdering people, but the trick this time is that before he kills them, as some kind of special courtesy and going away gift, he packs their bags for them!

All the Soho locals know the story, so if they happen to mysteriously find their bags packed, they know what's going to happen to them whether they like it or not!

The murderer is an exceptionally good knife thrower, being able to skewer his victims from over 50 yards away, so the authorities are speculating that it might be some angry ex-circus performer!

Rule number one, never trust a blind man in a wheelchair selling razor blades and shoelaces!

Here's a different take on peeping from behind a painting!

I just like this shot because all the industrial stuff in the background makes this car look like it's got one Helluva exhaust system!

Okay, enough with the mayhem and murder, it's time for some fun down at the local club, and a good spot to stop and tell you that the music in
"The Secret Of The Black Trunk" was written by the very talented Gert Wilden!

Gert's style is quite interesting compared to some other mundane composers.

You'll be able to tell by this whimsical theme song that the man had quite a playful approach to music! It's no wonder he went on to write the music for a few 70's soft-core flicks like "Sex Is Not For Virgins," and "Swinging Wives!"

Gert just passed away a couple of months ago at the age of 98!

The main act in this club is a dancer named Lissy as played by the lovely Helga (The Phantom Of Soho, Man On A Spying Trapeze) Sommerfeld! Helga passed away on my birthday some 24 years ago at the age of 50! That's a raw deal!

This is Joachim (Mission Stardust) Hansen as Inspector Robert Finch, the man in charge of these murder investigations!

I spent the first 45 minutes of the film trying to figure out why Edgar Wallace stalwart Joachim Fuchsberger looked so different before I figured out it was a different Joachim! What a maroon!

 

The main female character and Inspector Finch's love interest is the scintillating Senta (The Terror Of Dr. Mabuse, Sherlock Holmes And The Deadly Necklace, When Women Had Tails) Berger as Susan Brown!

Besides a bunch or murders, there's another story line about people addicted to a drug called Mescadrine, a synthetic form of Mescaline that is pretty weird! This is a picture of interrogation tools! The tape recorder keeps repeating the same lines over and over! Where does the Mescadrine come from? Who is your supplier?"

Here's the end of yet another fellow that had his bags packed for him!

This just might be something the police would be interested in! If you're planning on going on a murder spree, it's a good idea to have a good solid list of victims like this, just in case you lose track, or if Santa Claus was a hit man, this could be your wish list!

"The Secret Of The Black Trunk" was written by Edgar Wallace's son Bryan! While not as prolific as his famous Father, Bryan Edgar Wallace does get credit for quite a few thrillers like "The Dead Are Alive, "Der Phantom Von Soho," and "The Mad Executioners," and was an early influence on Giallo Maestro Dario Argento!

"The Secret Of The Black Trunk" is another release from those fine folks over at

Sinister Cinema or Amazon just in case you want to add it to your freaky X-Mas death wish list!

TABONGA'S 7th DAY OF XMAS: 7 Spiders Spinning

You know, nothing sez Xmas quite like our little Spider buddies here at The Dungeon, because, they're just sooo damn cute!.. Hence, here are some special spidery photos to celebrate the 7th Day of Xmas around here!

Here's Tarantella with her giant spider cousin in an interesting publicity pose from MESA OF LOST WOMEN!

THE COSMIC MONSTERS had this big spider that seems to specialize in spinning webs, making sure we all have a white Xmas!

Love HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND and all its spidery appeal, it's a German film so you'd probably expect to see something like this here!

THE DIABOLICAL DOCTOR Z is one weird flick! This girl seems to not have Cooties, but, Spidies!

MISSILE TO THE MOON is always a hoot, just look at this wild 'n' weird scene! And, to top it off, the good guys come in just in the nick of time and shoot the thing in the Ass!!

The Mexican movie HELLISH SPIDERS had Ocram, dude with a spider for a hand. Eegah!! and I played brothers in a short film named SNAKE BAIT in 2002, we both had snakes for hands.

I'll end with this still from some footage supposedly taken on the Moon during the APOLLO 18 mission. What they thought was a rock, jumped up! That would be quite unnerving I have to admit, but, when you think about it, wow... Moon Spiders!!