EL ATAQUE DE LOS MUERTOS SIN OJOS - Antón García Abril - "Mark Of The Devil" (1973)

Tonight's feature is an odd film from 1973 with a title that literally translates to "Attack Of The Blind Dead" but of course in America, it was released as "Return Of The Evil Dead"! The music was created by Spanish composer Antón García Abril, who has 177 composing credits in his portfolio with crazy titles like "Sexta-Feira 13", "The Bloodsuckers" and "Revenge From Planet Ape!"

The locals have their annual festival to celebrate the freedom they received when they destroyed the Templar Knights who had overrun their happy little burg back in the day!! Unfortunately, evil forces still aboud, seems like those Templar Knights lean towards not dying completely!!

Even our Hero, Tony Kendall, no matter how cool he looks, still can't fix a problem this grandiose! They need a bigger star than him to clean up this mess!

Loreta Tovar as Monica interacts with the dead Templar Knights! Not exactly what she had in mind when she said she wouldn't mind going out on a blind date!! Loreta has a very striking resemblance to Candace Hilligoss of "Carnival of Souls" Fame!

Just remember kids what old Uncle Eegah!! said, no matter what's happening, and no matter how horrible of a situation it is, there's always time for a drum solo!!!

As weird and creepy as these dead Templar Knights are, they would have been a Helluva lot scarier if they moved a little faster. As bad as it looks, you've got to be really dumb and/or completely immobile to get caught by these guys!

Damn, even the horses are dead!!!

AAAaaaahhhhh!! I see dead people!!

Did I tell you that this film is about a bunch of dead Templar Knights Hellbent on destruction and revenge??

Game over, man. Final score: Templar Knights 13 and Locals 0!

Mark Of The Return Of The Attack Of The Evil Devil Blind Dead!!!

THE WEREWOLF VS THE VAMPIRE WOMAN aka LA NOCHE DE WALPURGIS (1971) Starring Paul Naschy. Directed by Leon Klimovsky. Music by Anton Abril.

Welcome once again dear friends to another addition of Zillagord’s Corner, AKA Dimly Lit Theatre. Today, we are being whisked away to the French countryside, which is in actuality the Spanish countryside. I know it’s an epic journey from Spain to France, but evidently our amigos on “The Continent” think us foolish gringos can’t tell the difference. Those crazy Euros! They all use the same money, too! Nothing is scarier then the prospects of a one-world government. Well, except maybe this film.

The guiltiest parties involved with this one include European horror legend Paul Naschy, who may be Joaquin Phoenix’s father and who has been dubbed the “Lon Chaney of Europe.” We all know how well things turned out for poor ol’ Lon! Naschy has made nearly 100 flicks; some of the more luridly titled include FRANKENTSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR, VAMPIRE PLAYGIRLS, HOUSE OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN (aka MY MOM’S HOUSE—just kiddin’ Ma!), and COUNTESS DRACULA’S ORGY OF BLOOD. Flick is directed by Leon Klimovsky, whose blood-spattered resume includes STRANGE LOVE OF THE VAMPIRES, I HATE MY BODY (aka WELCOME TO MY WORLD), and Vampire's Night Orgy! Finally, the soundtrack is provided by award-winning Spanish composer Anton Abril. Anton has over 170 credits to his name, the least of which include ZOMBIE FLESH EATER, MAN EATER OF HYDRA, and Return Of The Evil Dead. With all this talent, how could they go wrong? Well….

With an incredibly grandiose title like this, you know this flick is gonna suck. File this on the shelf next to Zandor Vorkov’s DRACULA VS FRANKENSTEIN, KING KONG VS GODZILLA or SANTO VS… ANYBODY. Actually, retitle it THE INCREDIBLE EUROPEAN HORROR EXPLOITATIONEERS WHO STARTED FILMING WITHOUT REGARD TO ESTABLISHED HORROR LEGENDS OR ADEQUATE LIGHTING AND TURNED THEATRE PATRONS INTO DISCONTENT MIXED-UP ZOMBIES and then file it. As you may have guessed, much like other “VS” films, the anti-climatic fight between the title characters lasts about 30 seconds, and in this case, it occurs in a (what else??) dimly-lit cavern, so you gotta use your imagination, which has unfortunately been blunted by the 80+ minutes of viewing “pleasure” previously endured. Ah, the cruel irony. OK, on to the particulars…

Nothing like a relaxing smoke after a successful operation! I bet they still do this in Europe! Actually, I’m surprised he wasn’t smoking DURING surgery! Too bad nobody told Doc smoking is bad for him…

Not only does it cause cancer-- it wakes up werewolves! Naschy asked for a slab in the non-smoking section of the morgue!! Carnage ensues.

Then it’s off to gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) Paree via the wonder of stock footage where we find Elvira (Gaby Fuchs, MARK OF THE DEVIL, GRIMM’S FAIRY TALES FOR ADULTS and other German sexploitationers) in a hip club, ‘splain’ her tres believable research on ancient legends…

Spooky stuff! It sounds like a grand idea to go poking around looking for evidence of Satanic worship, blood-drinking rituals, and paint-by-numbers Beelzebub portraits.

Elvira’s friend Genevieve (fellow sexploitation vet Barbara Capell, THE GIRLS FROM ATLANTIS, WOMEN FOR SALE) tags along for to add extra eye-candy to the precedings…

Damn! Car trouble! I thought European cars were reliable. I guess horror movie clichés take precedent over genius of French engineering. Oh well, another opportunity for smoking. Waldemar (Naschy) comes along to help and invites girls to dinner, stating “I’m thirsty for intelligent conversation.” No oasis on the horizon, dude!

After dinner, girls retire to quarters for a scantily-clad discussion about how dreamy Waldemar is and their plans to awaken long-dormant evil spirits in the morning. Genevieve also ‘splains the flick’s crappy lighting by stating “It’s possible that the insulation hasn’t been connected yet.” All this, and brains, too!

Here we see the appropriately outfitted trio preparing for their archeological shenanigans. Unfortunately, they forget the potato salad…

While Elvira scours the ruins for a decent Kosher deli, dumb-ass Genevieve and Waldemar awake the corpse of evil queen Wandesa when a) they pull the cross out of her chest and b) Genevieve cuts herself and accidentally drips blood into the mouth of the corpse!!! What’re the odds??

That night, Countess Wandesa comes for Genevieve. She’s supposed to be finishing college, but evidently she waited to “experiment” with her sexuality until now…

Whadda relief! She’s so happy to be sexually liberated, even though she now has hideous overbite and has a strange compulsion to watch women’s basketball…

She then goes after Elvira. All those lingerie scenes created some sexual tension!

Elvira is attacked… DAMN! It’s only a farkakte dream sequence!! Why is the dream sequence always the best part? Here’s an idea: make the WHOLE FLICK a dream sequence! Oh, that’s the BOB NEWHART show? Sorry…

Meanwhile, Waldemar discovers he not only has heartache of Psoriasis, but the “pentagonal” mark of the werewolf as well.

He ‘splains the 411 to Elvira. He tells her that silver bullets cannot kill him (even though he was dead before they were removed by Dr. Nicotine at outset of flick). To die, he must be stabbed by someone who loves him with something called a Maenza cross….

The one they removed from the Countess. Man, this is one convoluted flick. I love the way they invent new legends to suit the plot, it really adds to the legitimacy of the precedings.

Finally, the Countess (Patty Shepard, Assignment Terror), HANNAH, QUEEN OF THE VAMPIRES, SLUGS)comes to wreak her ultimate vengeance: the awaking of Satan on Walpurgis Night. Or perhaps she’s looking for that retainer she lost all those years ago…

OOOOH, I’m SHAKIN’….

Waldemar proceeds to kick her ass, somehow killing the Countess without driving a stake through her heart. Man, this flick plays it fast’n’loose with the monster rules!

Elvira then stabs Waldemar with the cross, and that’s that. Or is it? Of course not. Waldemar is back in a jiffy to do battle with Dr Jekyll in (what else?) DR JEKYLL AND THE WOLFMAN. No word on whether Mr. Hyde tags along, but I’m guessing he’s in it if smoking is allowed.

VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST aka VUDÚ SANGRIENTO (1973) – Directed by Manuel Caño – Music by Fernando Morchillo

Greetings and felicitations, dear readers, it is I, Zillagord, Maven Turkey Knocker. Lo, I have returned from the depths of the cranberry abyss! Having survived a mind-boggling journey through the putrefying bowels of the celluloid gobbler, still rife with the aroma of hickory smoke and half-digested green bean casserole, I present you yet another reeking creature feature. And what could smell worse than a mummy? What, the movie’s title says NOTHING about a mummy? Uh, yeah, I’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do…

An amazing title! What could go wrong? Well, let’s examine the responsible parties:

Director Manuel Caño was also behind the lens (and probably under the table) for TARZAN & THE GOLDEN GROTTO and TARZAN & THE BROWN PRINCE, which featured BLOOD FREAK star/Conway Twitty-on-steroids clone Steve Hawkes. With only one degree of separation from that notorious turkey, it’s no wonder VBE stinks of something most fowl.

The soundtrack by Fernando Morchillo, replete with Pounding Drums and Fuzzy Guitars, is probably the best aspect of this flick. Morchillo worked on over 60 films during his career, including the awe-inspiringly titled WITCH WITHOUT A BROOM (man, the existential potential!), THE WITCHES MOUNTAIN, and NIGHT OF THE SORCERERS. That’s a lotta black magic music! “And although I know it’s simply ta –booooo….”

Now to the meat of the matter. The title is VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST. Whadda awesome moniker, sounds like film could be like ABBY only with voodoo, too! Yet the flick delivers on so little. Whadda predictable shock!! OK, fearless fiends, let’s dissect this sucka word for word, shall we?

First word: VOODOO! And there is some cuckoo voodoo going on here. The film opens with the requisite prologue, wherein we are privy to a tribal ritual complete with native nipples and perhaps the most ridiculous papier-mâché severed head of all time.

Sweaty dude is Aldo Sambrell, veteran of many a spaghetti western and of genre flicks like A GIRL FOR SATAN and VAMPIRE KILLER BARBYS (sic). Great titles too! Aldo is about to get all mummified; I thought that was an Egyptian thing. Guess I didn’t learn anything from WRASSLIN’ WIMMEN VS, AZTEC MUMMY, must’ve been too busy looking at the pointy bras.

OK, there’s your nipples, preverts.

Next word: BLACK! As in BLACKSPOITATION!! Love the genre. Just the inclusion of the word conjures up images of funky, funny laugh-riots like BLACULA, BLACKENSTEIN, and DR. BLACK & MR. HYDE. But this flick is all jive and hustle! Just check out Aldo and co-star Eva León (HOUSE OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN, I HATE MY BODY) in Al Jolsen blackface. Selma, Alabama? Never heard of it! Incredible.

Great “afro” wig, too. Can we get Buckwheat and Stymie in here for cameos? Yeesh.

Dude, you be trippin’! Nope, we don’t even get “authentic” street dialogue…

Why does chick always go back to the dude against whom her lover is battling AFTER he’s on the ground bleeding?? Women, I’ll never understand ‘em, be they white, black, in full-body black make-up, whatever. Oh, did I mention this is still the prologue?? Yep, we spend the rest of the flick waiting for…

EXORCIST!! Makes me think of pea soup, projectile vomiting, spinning heads, “The power of Christ compels you!” and crucifix diddling when I see that word. Well, we get bubkis here friends. No demon, no barf, no self-pleasuring. My guess: they retitled this poorly-dubbed Spanish import for domestic release after “The Exorcist” came out, trying to make a few bucks. I love how they threw in BLACK to attract African American movie goers too! It’s an equal opportunity for us all to get pissed off! You gotta love the ingenuity of exploitation filmmakers; if only they used that creativity on the actual film. Speaking of which, let’s get back to the ploddingly plotted flick, already in progress…

Archeologist and Keenan Wynn doppelganger Alfredo Mayo (ATTACK OF THE ROBOTS) unearths ancient sarcophagus of Aldo and lugs it around on a cruise ship. Always a good plan.

Also on bored… er… board: Eva León, sans ‘fro. Eva has a prophetic dream, a harbinger of “something absurd and terrible at the same time.” Probably cuz she read the script! Thanks for the warning, Eva!

Here’s really annoying shrew and tarot card reader Mary Antonio Del Rio, or Mary A. River as she’s listed in credits! Love the translation; also listed in credits is, um, dude named Richard Rod (seriously)!! One among many of the disappointments of flick is that somehow this old nag survives the proceedings. I wasn’t too broken up about not seeing Richard’s rod though.

Nope, not John Malkovich-- this guy isn’t that crusty and aloof! It’s our pal Aldo.

Um… he’s WHITE now too? Guess all those years spent in the sarcophagus faded him out. Hate to see what Michael Jackson’ll look like when he rises from the grave…

Aldo goes on a murderous rampage, leaving a trail of piñatas in his wake…

Last major character is Hercule Poirot imitator Fernando Sancho (RETURN OF THE EVIL DEAD, THE SATANIC MECHANIC) as fat lazy police investigator. Best line: “I have a system. When I don’t have a lead, I drink gin… and wait.” Nothing like good old fashioned detective work! Hey Peter Useless-slob, how ‘bout a crueler to go with that G&T??

Did I mention the severed heads???

In this scene, as mummy attacks the go-go gurl for not “finishing him off” after a lap dance, the viewer can espy the cameraman in the mirror! My favorite scene.

I love the carefully arranged soup bubbles. This pic is actually a great metaphor for the whole flick: it’s just one big tease…

Reunited and it feels so good! But in this flick, it’s not a duet sung by Peaches and Herb, more like Anne Murray and Barry Manilow. Guess one thing was exorcised from this dreck: SOUL, brother!