THE CREMATORS - Albert Glasser - "Goodness Gracious" (1972)

Wow! I was really looking forward to this one, cool title, "The Cremators," and another cool soundtrack composed by Dungeon Maestro Master, Albert Glasser, what could go wrong? Well, it just so happens that this film is not the worst film I've ever seen, but it just might well be one of the boringest! Even Albert Glasser's soundtrack is not that exciting, but it's probably the best part of the movie!

Here we go, La, la, la, lalala, la, la, la la lo!

Reflections ala Henry David Thoreau - "As in geology, so in social institutions, we may discover the causes of all past changes in the present invariable order of society."

This rock looks like it might be made of some harmless turquoise and some fool's gold, but in this movie's reality, it is the root of all evil!

What a fantastic Mad Lab!A bunch of stuff piled on a table, two terrariums, one with a large tin can in it, with some cords, tubing, and a cardboard box. Cool vintage knotty pine paneling and a folded map in one corner!

Homie's also got himself a vintage "Fix Or Repair Daily" pickup! They spared no expense on this film!

He's not a complete loser, those 45's he bought from me on eBay finally arrived! Too bad they were all broken when they got there!

The locals are a lively bunch, but I'm not too sure about the guy in the dress!! Meanwhile, the Sheriff is busy off drinking beer!

Did I forget to tell you about the glowing rocks? I didn't take the time to do the exact math, but I'm willing to guess that out of the 75 minutes this film is running, there is at least a minimum of 15 minutes of nothing but shots of glowing, and sometimes not glowing, evil rocks!

Maria De Aragon has the role of The Doctor's girlfriend Jeanne! Somebody on IMDB finds her to be a "beguiling brunette knockout," but then that is the same site that when you use their search engine, it won't auto-fill any titles that are more than like 20 years old, unless it's a mega-classic! Believe it or not, Maria was behind the Greedo mask in "Star Wars!"

Marvin Howard has the role of Dr. Iane Thorne, and it's basically a 'who cares' situation!! This was to be Marvin's only film role, but he did reappear once as a gunman on a TV show 8 years later! Dude is not exactly a baller!

Bill Haley and the Comets' "Don't Knock The Rock" would be very appropriate right about here!!

"The Cremators" was also known as "Dune Roller!" A Dune Roller is a large mass of energy that is attracted to those weird rocks, rolls over people and turns them into piles of ashes while absorbing their life energy! "Dune Roller" should not be confused with another movie also made in 1972, "The Unholy Rollers," that starred Playboy playmate Claudia Jennings, and was all about Roller Derby!

ROCK!

DUNE ROLLER!!

ROCK!!!

LAMP!!!!

Jeanne was out on the lake doing some karaoke with her frog friends, when The Dune Roller shows up and tries to put a damper on the whole thing!

The budget was so small, this was considered a wide shot, a double-wide shot!!

Help, I got Space Shit on my hands!!

Here's why I don't like Rocket Surgeons! This one is so intelligent, he thinks he's going to be able to shoot and kill the Dune Roller!! What a Brainiac!!

Now the rocks are getting organized! Next thing you know, they'll be making political contributions!!

Here it comes, rolling down the street, it gets the funniest looks from every one it meets, hey, hey, it's a Dune Roller!!

Dr. Thorne and Jeanne lure the Dune Roller to a spot where he's hidden some explosives!! "Great Balls Of Fire!"

That's it! The Dune Roller has rolled it's last dune! Blown sky high! How about that?

You could only dream that "The Cremators" would be anywhere near this exciting! Apparently false advertising laws don't apply to movie posters!

WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST / AIP - 1958 / Music by Albert Glasser

Its Sunday again, so, that means we're presenting another classic movie. Tonight's entry is definitely that, and, I've picked out some very nice stills to prove it!

One of Mr. BIG's best, I believe...

Bert usually relied on Albert Glasser to give him that "beat the audience up" theme before the movie even starts. Nice psychological tool! Other movies Albert's music appears in: OMOO-OMOO THE SHARK GOD, INVASION USA, PORT SINISTER, HUK!, TEENAGE CAVE MAN, MONSTER FROM GREEN HELL, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL, THE CREMATORS besides a host of Bert I. Gordon films!!

So, get ready for WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST!! Eegah!! has been doing great sound files lately, he's gettin' tricky with a pinch of levity!

Things ain't goin' that great south-of-the-border! Looks like the guy saw a ghost, or, el gigante, or something!

Sally Fraser plays Joyce Manning, aka Glenn's little sister!! Since Joyce doesn't believe Glenn died after he fell off the dam when he was THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN a year earlier, she thinks this story on KTLA news about an incident in Mexico has something to do with him. Then, she makes the call...

Damn!.. Look at all that freakin' booze back there! A fun girl on the weekends, no doubt!!

Talk about BIGFOOT!.. Oh, and, I noticed that Bert made Sally walk through the mud in her pumps!!

I wonder if this scene here, where Glenn quickly pops up from behind a rock, would scare a 10 year old back in 1958, seeing it at the theater? I think, yeah, probably.

The military comes up with a way to capture the giant, fill a bread truck with bread laced with a knockout drug! Pretty simple.

Glenn is captured and then chained up inside a 'big' hanger. Later he goes outside for a smoke!

Glenn's being bad so they gas him again!! Hey, and, it looks like those scars are healing up pretty good!

Guess what?! He gets loose again! This time he ends up in LA at Griffith Park... Man, lucky for Bert and his crew!! At times, the special effects are awesome!

Like another AIP movie, I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN, this gimmick ending was also filmed in color!!

BLACKENSTEIN - Cardella Di Milo - "I Can't Find No One To Love Me" (1973)

The original title is "Blackenstein," I don't know what brain pilot thought "The Black Frankenstein" needed to be added! Talk about redundancy!

This is Ivory Stone as Doctor Winifred Walker in her only film appearance ever!

This is Winifred's boyfriend, Joe De Sue as Eddie, a quadriplegic Vietnam veteran! This would also be Joe's only acting effort! "Blackenstein" is a story about love and devotion..........kind of!

John Hart is Doctor Stein! What a contrast! John Hart had a monstrous career that went all the way back to 1937, and he just passed away in 2009 at the age of 91! Everybody knows that Clayton Moore was the Lone Ranger, but from 1950 to 1953 John Hart had the role of The Lone Ranger for 54 episodes while Clayton Moore sat it out during a contract dispute. John also had his own TV show in 1957 that ran for 39 episodes called "Hawkeye and the Last of the Mohicans." He had the lead role as Nat 'Hawkeye' Cutler! If the set looks pretty amazing for a cheap movie, it's because they dusted off, and used some of the original lab equipment from "Frankenstein!"

After working on numerous cult titles like "The Cremators," "Baby Needs A New Pair Of Shoes," and "KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park," cinematographer Robert Caramico went totally mainstream TV in the 80's, as the Director of Photography on "Lou Grant," "The Waltons," "Falcon Crest," and "Dallas!"

"Blackenstein" might be the only Frankenstein character on record who wears patent leather boots!

"Blackenstein" is pretty blase' until Eddie really goes on a rampage. All of a sudden he's ripping off limbs, ripping open blouses, and ripping his hapless victim's guts out!

The marvelous Liz (Thrill Killers, Nasty Rabbit, Hot Rods To Hell, Body Fever) Renay was awarded the role of one of the hapless victims!

You could take about three or four minutes of carnage out of "Blackenstein" and it would be rated 'G' instead of 'R'!

While James (Friday Foster) Cousar only ever acted in four films, Don Brodie, on the right, had 310 acting gigs, and also served as Assistant to the Producer on this film! Here's the most amazing fact of all, Don's mug was used by the animators of "Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs" as the model for the features of The Old Hag!!

For a minute there, I actually had convinced myself that "Blackenstein" was produced by Mr. B.I.G. but it's not!

Time to get on over to The Parisian Room, and the soulful sounds of Cardella De Milo, backed up by The Art Hilary Trio!

Now That's, three cool cats!

The writer and performer of the very soulful "I Can't Find No One To Love Me", is Cardella Di Milo as herself! Cardella Di Milo was also in some movies with Rudy Ray Moore like "Dolemite," The Human Tornado," and "Rude!"

The one major thing I don't get about this whole film is that Eddie is THE new reigning king of The Slowest Moving Monsters Ever Club! The Mummy moves like The Roadrunner compared to Eddie. I'm pretty sure a snail would win a race against him, but he still manages to catch victims with massive head starts! It's truly mind boggling! Not only does he manage to kill a bunch of innocent people, he also kills an amazing amount of on-screen time!!

One line was, "I saw a shadow 15 feet tall!" The guy on the right about to get pummeled is Roosevelt Jackson as Malcom, Doctor Frankenstein's assistant. Roosevelt only resurfaced for one other film, the 1992 blockbuster feature "Zhong Hua Jing Hua!"

Eddie would have been okay, if Malcolm hadn't juiced his DNA because he was so hot for Winifred! It's not a happy ending for anybody!

Here's another example of more good use of that original lab equipment!

Who let the Dawgs out? Two other titles cinematographer Robert Caramico was associated with were "The Doberman Gang" in 1972, and "The Daring Dobermans" in 1973, imagine that! For more information, you can catch Eddie and the gang on Netflix!