Saturday, January 7, 2012

THE CREMATORS - Albert Glasser - "Goodness Gracious" (1972)

Wow! I was really looking forward to this one, cool title, "The Cremators," and another cool soundtrack composed by Dungeon Maestro Master, Albert Glasser, what could go wrong? Well, it just so happens that this film is not the worst film I've ever seen, but it just might well be one of the boringest! Even Albert Glasser's soundtrack is not that exciting, but it's probably the best part of the movie!

Here we go, La, la, la, lalala, la, la, la la lo!

Reflections ala Henry David Thoreau - "As in geology, so in social institutions, we may discover the causes of all past changes in the present invariable order of society."

This rock looks like it might be made of some harmless turquoise and some fool's gold, but in this movie's reality, it is the root of all evil!

What a fantastic Mad Lab!A bunch of stuff piled on a table, two terrariums, one with a large tin can in it, with some cords, tubing, and a cardboard box. Cool vintage knotty pine paneling and a folded map in one corner!

Homie's also got himself a vintage "Fix Or Repair Daily" pickup! They spared no expense on this film!

He's not a complete loser, those 45's he bought from me on eBay finally arrived! Too bad they were all broken when they got there!

The locals are a lively bunch, but I'm not too sure about the guy in the dress!! Meanwhile, the Sheriff is busy off drinking beer!

Did I forget to tell you about the glowing rocks? I didn't take the time to do the exact math, but I'm willing to guess that out of the 75 minutes this film is running, there is at least a minimum of 15 minutes of nothing but shots of glowing, and sometimes not glowing, evil rocks!

Maria De Aragon has the role of The Doctor's girlfriend Jeanne! Somebody on IMDB finds her to be a "beguiling brunette knockout," but then that is the same site that when you use their search engine, it won't auto-fill any titles that are more than like 20 years old, unless it's a mega-classic! Believe it or not, Maria was behind the Greedo mask in "Star Wars!"

Marvin Howard has the role of Dr. Iane Thorne, and it's basically a 'who cares' situation!! This was to be Marvin's only film role, but he did reappear once as a gunman on a TV show 8 years later! Dude is not exactly a baller!

Bill Haley and the Comets' "Don't Knock The Rock" would be very appropriate right about here!!

"The Cremators" was also known as "Dune Roller!" A Dune Roller is a large mass of energy that is attracted to those weird rocks, rolls over people and turns them into piles of ashes while absorbing their life energy! "Dune Roller" should not be confused with another movie also made in 1972, "The Unholy Rollers," that starred Playboy playmate Claudia Jennings, and was all about Roller Derby!





Jeanne was out on the lake doing some karaoke with her frog friends, when The Dune Roller shows up and tries to put a damper on the whole thing!

The budget was so small, this was considered a wide shot, a double-wide shot!!

Help, I got Space Shit on my hands!!

Here's why I don't like Rocket Surgeons! This one is so intelligent, he thinks he's going to be able to shoot and kill the Dune Roller!! What a Brainiac!!

Now the rocks are getting organized! Next thing you know, they'll be making political contributions!!

Here it comes, rolling down the street, it gets the funniest looks from every one it meets, hey, hey, it's a Dune Roller!!

Dr. Thorne and Jeanne lure the Dune Roller to a spot where he's hidden some explosives!! "Great Balls Of Fire!"

That's it! The Dune Roller has rolled it's last dune! Blown sky high! How about that?

You could only dream that "The Cremators" would be anywhere near this exciting! Apparently false advertising laws don't apply to movie posters!


Christopher said...

I swear ta God I had a lamp just like the one in the picture...Those aren't 45's..thats a package from blackhawk films..

Eegah!! and Tabonga! said...

I stand corrected, Blackhawk was returning the screener they submitted!


zillagord said...

Maria was more "beguiling" as Greedo! Beauty truly is in the eye of the beerholder. Put the mask on now, Maria....

TABONGA! said...

False advertising doesn't apply to politicans, neither.

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