DEATH BED - "The Bed That Eats" (1977)

Well, my refrigimerator (Back in the day when local people did their own ads on TV, we had one guy who actually said refrigerator like that!) is screaming at me that furniture and appliances need equal time, so I guess it's time for:

"DEATH BED!"

So, who's this George Barry guy anyway? Well, I can tell you this, he's a Leo, and he wrote and directed this film, and he also wrote "Deathbed" that was based on this film that was made into a video in 2002! Other than that, you're on your own!

"Death Bed: The Bed That Eats" is listed solely as a horror film on IMDB, but I think it's safe to say that it is also a comedy, a sick gory comedy, but a comedy nonetheless! It lacks personality, so I won't compare it to "Bucket Of Blood!"

Rock critic, and supposedly the man who coined the term "Punk Rock" Dave Marsh has the role of the artiste! The funny thing is they don't use his own voice in the narration, but instead leave it up to Patrick Spence-Thomas! Alas, there is no "Punk Rock" music in this movie! Too bad, because it could have used it!

Bar the doors, it's time!

There's this bed in this place out in the middle of nowhere, and it's hungry! The people who go there to make out, etc., never question why the sheets are always clean!

But they should!

You can see what happens!

The bed is like a living, thinking, rancid vat of acid covered with sheets and blankets! Memory foam turned evil! The bed doesn't just like to eat people, it also likes chicken drumsticks.....

.....and Wine!

Before it eats this girl, the bed gives her a horrible dream, where I swear they actually put a tomato worm in her mouth! My Lord, I hope she got paid more than somebody like Meryl Streep! Seriously Gross!!

The bed just foams up and sucks them in, and he prefers his meals nekkid!

Now try and tell me this isn't a comedy!

There's a history lesson in slow motion about years and years of the bed's chowing down experiences! As you can see, it hasn't always been gourmet dining!

That's right, there are no jokers in this deck! The joke's on the viewer!

This was Demene Hall's first acting appearance, and unlike most of the rest of the cast, she went on to be in other endeavors like the movie "Men Of Honor," and an episode of "Grimm" the TV series!

I have a confession, and that is I did fast forward through a bit of "Death Bed!"  It was tediously slow in certain places, and it seemed to go on forever, but I did make it to the end!

Eye think there must be 50 or more shots of stuff floating around in the bed's killer fluid!

Then this brainbat wannabehero brother of one of the intended victims gets the bright idea to try and stab the bed to kill it, but his hands and arms get sucked into the solution and he......

....Ends up looking like this!

"Death Bed" is about as Halloweenie as it gets, and you have to admit, it's a great title, but unfortunately it's just not one that the actual movie can die up to, but it is quite different, and maybe that's just enough!

THE FLY II / Brooksfilms, Saul Zaentz Film Center - 1989

One good swat deserves another! I posted THE FLY on Monday, so, it's time for THE FLY II. This follow up story goes like this... A few months after the Brundle Fly insect met its demise by a shotgun blast, Veronica, pregnant with Seth's baby, dies while giving birth to their son, Martin. Seth's corrupt employer, Anton Bartok, adopts Martin, only for the reason that Martin can solve new problems that the still-functioning telepods present, and, to use him as a guinea pig because of his dormant insect genes!.. Oh, and, Happy Friday the 13th!!

This one stars Eric (MASK) Stoltz as Martin Brundle, Daphne (THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD) Zuniga as Beth Logan, Lee (narrator in NETWORK) Richardson as Anton Bartok and John (ZODIAC) Getz, who appears in one scene as the horribly wounded Stathis Borans from part 1.

Here's what Martin looks like when he was born, the surgeons peel off the outer layer of yuck which reveals a normal looking baby!

Martin, as he's growing up, is basically a genius like his father!

At the evil Bartok Industries, they're trying to work out the teleporter problems. They put a Golden Retriever in the pod, and, after teleportation, the poor dog is a monster that bites the fingers off a dumb ass assistant... Hurrah!!! Nothing pisses me off more than animal experiments in movies, and, real life!!

In the meantime, Martin meets Beth, a worker at Bartok Industries. They fall for each other and she helps him work on fixing the teleporter to function properly.

Martin finds out the the evil motives of Bartok Industries and breaks out after an altercation with the sadistic guards working there. He's starting to mutate, so, they search out Stathis Borans for help. But, Stathis is still angry over the whole ordeal and refuses!

To hide from the company's goons, Martin and Beth go to the Rest Easy Motel. Love that sign!

Alas, Martin is captured and brought back to the lab for study! He's now a giant mess and Beth is basically a prisoner of Bartok Industries.

Martin breaks free from his cocoon and is being chased by some of the guards. This guy gets a face full of flesh eating spray, and, the fluid totally does its thang!!

Then, Martin breaks into the lab to confront Anton Bartok. Thing is though, Anton wants Martin alive to continue his experiments with the teleporter, it'll make him a freakin' gazillionaire if the problems can be ironed out!..

Scorby, the head guard, doesn't agree with Bartok's call and fires away at Martin! It doesn't turn out too well for him when he becomes the next victim. Scorby is played by Brit Garry Chalk, this dude has an astronomical 373 acting credits, wowzers!

Bartok tries to reason with Martin, but, Martin ain't buying it! He drags the evil dick into the chamber with himself and Beth presses the button that activates the teleporter!

What comes out isn't pretty, he's attached to Bartok in a scene out of THE CURSE OF THE FLY, remember that one?! Anyway, Beth pulls all the gunk off of Martin and guess what? Yes, Martin is fine, but!..

Bartok ends up in the cage they put the monster dog in, a just dessert for the dirty bitch, bringing our story to a happy ending for a change!! So, tune in tomorrow when we'll bring you more Halloween Countdown Goods...

THE WARRIORS - "Can You Dig It?" (1979)

Welcome to Warrior Wednesday down in The Dungeon!

 Tonight I've got the ultimate Halloween story for you! It's a tale about a bunch of boys out trick or treating who get lost and spend the entire movie trying to get back home, kind of like Hansel and Gretel!

"The Warriors" is also a 1979 vision of a New York of the future.....

 .....But supposedly it's based on the ancient story of the Battle of Cunaxa! The interpretation might have changed a bit from 401 BC to 1979 AD just ever so slightly!

 So here we are! The future is now, the future is here!

 In the future if you live in New York, you and your buddies have to have some kind of shtick that makes you stand out from the rest of the schmoes on the street! Weird unity!

 It's gotta be rough to be a tough guy and still get up every morning and have to put your makeup on!

 Here's a more casual bunch, but I'm not too sure about those caps!

 The main guys, "The Warriors," have a more traditional look, like a motorcycle gang without any bikes!

 What about this troupe, out of work electricians?

 I think this was the Walmart crew!

 Don't trifle with The Lizzies or you might find yourself on the wrong end of the gun!

The pinball machine is way cooler than the really bad dude in the overalls and the roller skates in Playland!

And of course, the perennial favourites. The Baseball Furies!

So, yeah, a bunch of shit went down and now it's time to run.....

 LIGHTS!

CAMERA!

ACTION!

Hit It!

The ending credits roll, and the forever memorable

"In The City" by Joe Walsh rocks on!

 At least they still have vinyl in the future!