FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES - Francis The Talking Mule (1951)

 Today was the the running of the 149th Belmont Stakes, the third part of The Triple Crown that includes that Kentucky Derby, and the Preakness Stakes. The Belmont is the oldest of the trio, and was first run in 1867! That's really freakin' amazing, and the last few years I've taken a real interest in horse racing, knowing that one of these days I'm assured to win a fortune, but it's also a game of patience, and not as easy as it looks! I'll keep you posted if it ever happens!

That being said, welcome to another Saturday Night Special in The Dungeon, and a movie that combines two things I like, horse racing and naive/innocent 1950's comedies,

"Francis Goes To The Races!"

Army buddies!

 If you've been there, you get it, and if you haven't, you don't, even if you think you do!

Hard to believe but after all those years together, Francis ditches his Army buddy for the companionship of his second cousin!!

Francis was not actually even a male mule, but instead was a much easier to handle female mule named Molly! Molly played Francis in all the 'Francis The Talking Mule' movies, and was once a guest on the TV show "What's My Line?" As an animal lover, I hope they treated her good! The method they used to make her look like she's talking doesn't sound very friendly!

Piper Laurie is the daughter of the man who owns the horse that Francis is attached to, and of course, her name is Frances! The #1 horse also feels the same about Francis, and needs him around even at the big races!

If Piper looks a little familiar, it's because she was also the not so sweet and innocent anymore Catherine Martell in the original "Twin Peaks!

This is the exact reason I don't like ground floor tickets at concerts! I had seats just like this at a Tom Petty concert one time!

Francis's best friend is singer/dancer Donald O'Connor as Peter Stirling! Donald was in six of the seven 'Francis The Talking Mule' movies, and was popular enough to be in a TV show called "The Donald O'Connor Show!"

"Francis Goes To The Races" was the second of seven 'Francis The Talking Mule' movies! The last one, "Francis In The Haunted House" was the only one that had Mickey Rooney as Francis's buddy!

If you're familiar with the term 'horse's ass,' then you should well know what a mule's ass is going to signify!

Even though they also have machines these days, you'd be surprised how much betting at the track hasn't changed in 63 years! In fact, it's almost exactly the same, except the windows are more universal!

The always incredible Jesse White is the track dick! He can't comprehend how Peter Stirling can be winning so much money when he seems like such a nincompoop! If you've ever seen any TV show from 1953 to 1996, then you've probably seen Jesse's mug before! He's one of a kind and unforgettable!

Here's another great shot of Piper Laurie!

These mugs also can't figure out how Peter is able to win so consistently!

Chill Wills is the voice of Francis, and his drunken voice is used to good effect when Francis tells Peter to pour a bunch of whiskey and beer into bucket, when he needs a break from everything that's going on around him!

As it turns out, the only time that Francis is willing to talk to strangers is when he is drunk! Imagine that! The other Frances faints a couple of times!

I've got an F hat, but I want one of those F shirts!!

SANTO vs. LAS LOBAS / Producciones Jiménez Pons Hermanos - 1976

Time to check out this Mexican flick... When the fearsome Luba, Queen of the Werewolves, menaces a small Mexican town, local bigwig Cesar Harker realizes that the only hope for them is to call the heroic wrestler, Santo. His reasoning is that werewolves are vulnerable to silver, and guess what, Santo’s mask is silver!! Santo teams up with a band of local allies to stop a werewolf world domination plot.

Everything starts with Luba, the Werewolf Queen, setting the table for what's to come...

Santo shows off his wrasslin' chops as he destroys yet another tough opponent.

Santo gets the call to come and help out against the werewolf infestation. Wow, that's one cool shot of our hero on the phone!

Back at the ranch, the Werewolf King is brought back from the land of the dead. There's a big celebration at the old giant tree for the wolf pack. Reminds me of a tree I saw in Maui a few years back.

A great portrait of our hero as he closes in on the werewolves' lair.

Locals are having a difficult time getting home when the werewolves line the dirt roads and attack anyone using that route. They also throw rocks and fling burning balls at them!

The werewolves try to herd the car into a burning area, but luckily, the mom and daughter barely make their escape before falling victim to the crazies!.. Phew!!

Now, the male werewolves are ready to make a statement... Grrrr!

Back in town, Luba tries to infect two women but Santo pops in to wrassle the deadly queen, and it happens...

She goes down for the count!!

Santo then runs down the Werewolf King and tosses him off a cliff, bringing our little story to an end. All we want to know now is, what will Eegah!! have for us tomorrow?! Tune in for the answer!!

DICK TRACY - Season 2, Episode 15 - "Dick Tracy Meets Heels Beals" (1951)

 Hell's Bells, it's that time of the week again already! Welcome to yet another Wacky Wednesday in The Dungeon! The "Dick Tracy" show was on for two seasons from 1950 to 1952, and those two seasons included 48 episodes! The bad guy character known as Heels Beals name was actually a takeoff on the expression Hell's Bells!

This is a list of the entire cast of this episode!! The creator of Dick Tracy, Chester Gould, loved to fart around with names as you can see!

  There have been many incarnations of Dicky Tracy over the years, and this guy is one of the main ones, Ralph Byrd, who also played Dick in six full-length movies prior to this!

 Billy Benedict plays Heels Beals! In an earlier incarnation, Billy was the one of the Bowery Boys named Whitey!

In the comics, Heels Beals was a midget!

Here's a nice shot of Heels with Miss Varnish, so named because she is in the business of refinishing furniture, and Hefty, so named because he's a big guy, especially compared to little Heels!

Miss Varnish is played by Isabel (The Missing Corpse) Randolph, and Hefty was played by professional wrassler turned actor Karl 'Killer' Davis. Karl had a great career and was in "Mighty Joe Young," "The Lost Planet," "Creature With The Atom Brain," and was one of the zombies in "Zombies Of Mora Tau!

Isabel was also in another Dick Tracy episode as Carrie Cash!

 The heels is where he stashes all the loot like strings of pearls!

Rounding out the cast, and in the background a lot is Tracy's sidekick Sam Catchem as played by Joe Devlin! Here's a flash from the "I Just Learned This Department," in 1942 Joe Devlin played Mussolini (a role he had more than once) in a film short called "The Devil With Hitler," which is a Three Stooges type story that included the Emperor of Japan, about the Board of Directors of Hell telling The Devil that they are going to replace him with Hitler unless he can get Adolph to do a good deed. I guess the Devil's job status seems dubious at best! Wow! Weirdsville!!

Miss Varnish tips off Tracy to her calamity by cutting this message into an end table he's picking up at her place! Gotta love a woman who knows how to use power tools!

It's a simple but fun story as are all Dick Tracy tales! Just for kicks, here's a couple of other colourful names from some of the other episodes to whet your appetite for more Dick: Blowtop, Shoulders, Pawn, Lifter, Hijack, Chopper, Twister, and Knuckles!

MICROWAVE MASSACRE / Reel Life Productions - 1983

Here's a flick that's billed as "The Worst Horror Movie Of All Time!" So, I got this title to see what the Hell they're talking about. When I hear 'worst movie ever,' there's just one that pops into my head, and, that is... THINGS! (We've reviewed it) I use that as my measure for just such claims. This movie is not TWHMOAT, it's simply a big piece of CRAP, or, ABPOC!!! If you think about it, if you make that claim, it will increase sales, jerks! I do like this VHS box art.

Anyway, the story's about Donald, he's fed up with his wife's bad cooking, so, he kills her, puts her is a huge microwave oven, cooks her and turns to cannibalism to satisfy his appetite.

This turkey stars Jackie Vernon (and boobs), Jackie was a stand up comedian discovered by Steve Allen, he only had 16 acting credits and was in THE MONITORS in 1969.

These two chick magnets are idiots you get to enjoys throughout the movie, dude on the left is trying to get a freakin' bugger off his finger, dude on the right is getting his jollies watching!

Here's Donald getting ready for yet another mangled meal, drama...

He sits down with his beautiful wife at the dinner table, what a great way to relax after a day of construction work.

Donald doesn't appreciate his wife's food wizardry, he tells her all about it, and, she dumps the pile of shit on his head!! Love the paper plate...

So then, Donald grabs the giant wooden salt shaker and clobbers the crap out of his beloved!

He pops her into their gigantic microwave oven and turns the damn thing on high!

The best part is the bone marrow, you just suck it right out!

Donald's addicted to microwaved human flesh and must keep his refrigerator stocked, so, he goes out looking for more rump roast, etc!

Donald has the fridge full of female flesh delicacies, his wife's head keeps guard.

He's always looking for new taste treats, like this gal dressed up as a chicken!

His wife's blabbermouth sister shows up, looking for her. Donald ties her up, crams food in her mouth and throws her in a closet to shut her up.

We are two wild and crazy, creeped out guys looking for Donald, where's that tasty grub?!

But, they find the cannibal, dead, just laying there on the floor... What the Hell happened?!!

Before we call the cops, let's grab a bite to eat first...

Believe it or not, his wife's head is responsible for Donald's death, go figure! And, figure on being here on Wednesday when Eegah!! is up to bat...