TALES FROM THE CRYPT / "The Reluctant Vampire" - 1991

Here's a tale about a vampire that has a novel way of quenching his thirst, he's a night security guard at a blood bank!!

This one stars Malcolm McDowell as the vampire Donald Longtooth, Sandra Dickinson as Sally, George Wendt as the boss Mr. Crosswhite, Michael Berryman as Rupert Van Helsing, Paul Gleason as Detective Robinson and John Kassir does the Crypt Keeper's voice.

There's a problem at the blood bank, the supply is dwindling for some unknown reason. Sally tells Mr. Crosswhite that she will try and get to the bottom of the thefts. The boss says he was glad she wants to get to the bottom of things and starts patting her bottom! Security guard Donald Longtooth walks up and tells him to leave her alone. Crosswhite tells him to mind his own business and reminds him that he does the firing too.

Everyone's leaving for the night, Sally tells Donald that she liked how he stood up for her. She also tells him that she thinks being a sensitive man is... Sexy! She gives him a hug and his fangs come out, and he makes the excuse of having to get to work to get out of the situation...

When he's finally alone, Donald turns into a five year old in a free candy store! He just grabs whatever he wants off the shelves and mixes himself a drink.

He figures the way to replace the missing blood is to go out and drain blood from worthless jerks on the streets and alleys. He's squeezing the lasts drops of blood (through a tube in the neck) out of this would be murderer.

And then Rupert Van Helsing shows up at the police station to offer his assistance, he tells them that there is a vampire loose in their city. Even after showing them photos of vampire bites on a victim, they laugh him off, mainly because there was only one hole in the victims' necks, not two.

After draining out half of the jug for the blood bank, Donald has a refresher.

Detective Robinson is ready to go home after a long day when Rupert shows up again, this time with a bill of lading for items a vampire would want, sent from Carpathia!

In the meantime, Mr. Crosswhite has showed up at Donald's place, telling that the whole thing was a ruse, he knew he was a vampire, and he threatened Sally's firing (Donald likes Sally a lot) to see how much blood he could bring in under pressure! Crosswhite has two pistols pointed at Donald, the vampire responds with, you know that bullets can't hurt me...

His boss is way ahead of him though, they are squirt guns filled with holy water, not pistols with bullets! Holy Hell, Crosswhite squirts him about fifty times, it's insane!

He's just trying to make a point, if you'd like me to stop squirting you, agree to bring me the blood from more street victims for the company, OR...

Sally followed Mr. Crosswhite to Donald's home and was hiding in a cabinet. Donald doesn't want to cooperate but the boss uses Sally to agree to have nothing to do with the vampire or he'd start squirting him again. So, Crosswhite says that he wants Donald to get in his coffin and get a good night's sleep, ready for work. But, he wants to know where the coffin is...

It's a wall coffin, and when Crosswhite is in the perfect spot, Donald lets it down, right on the skull of the psycho, knocking him out cold. Sally wants to help Donald drain the blood from their horrible boss, when, they hear someone outside. They have to find a place to put Crosswhite...

Rupert shows up with Detective Robinson and some officers. They locate the coffin and open it up. It's Mr. Crosswhite! Rupert whips out a huge vampire stake and before anyone can stop him, he plunges it into the supposed vampire's heart, killing him dead...

Rupert closes the coffin lid and tells the detective... It's the only way. They all leave.

Sally and Donald come out from behind the couch, then Sally wants Donald to make her a vampire, saying my favorite line... I always wanted to be a creature of the night!

THE AVENGERS - "A Touch Of Brimstone" (1966)

 

This week's Saturday Night Special is from Season 04, Episode 21 of the wonderful 1966 British TV series known as "The Avengers."

Unfortunately probably 99% of young people today only know about the Marvel Comics characters of the same title, but at least when they grow older, they can still go back and watch this show, and be amazed as the rest of us!

 

"The Avengers" were to television what The Beatles were to music in American culture of the 1960's. There were other British shows like "The Prisoner," but none were nearly as popular as "The Avengers," at least in my world.

 

There are two good reasons why "The Avengers" was such a popular show!

Patrick Macnee as John Steed, and...........

.................Diana Rigg as Mrs. Emma Peel. Two of the greatest characters in TV history!

 

This episode starts with a bunch of big shot muckity-mucks from other countries being ridiculed in public by practical jokes that include exploding cigars, and whoopee cushions! They in turn high-tail it back to their home countries which creates an embarrassing situation for the British government!

The marvelous Peter (Jason King) Wyngarde has the role of John Cartney, who really seems to be enjoying the whole affair!

Enter our stalwart heroes John Steed and Mrs. Peel, who will get to the bottom of this whole sordid matter in no time at all.

 

They know who the perpetrator is, so Mrs. Peel goes to see if she can use some of her charm on him.

Things get serious real quick when one of the gags actually kills someone!

John Cartney is the leader of a bunch guys known as "The Hellfire Club." Their specialty is debauchery, gluttony, drunk and disorderly conduct, and chasing women around!

For entertainment, they have a little fast guy fight a big oafish blindfolded guy with brass knuckles. The results are predictable!

After their initial meeting Mrs. Peel is asked by John Cartney to come back and enjoy the festivities!

John Steed also tries to infiltrate the club, but since he's a guy, he has to pass a stiff initiation test! First me has to chug this giant vessel of beer, which he does easily, and then asks for more.

Then he has to pass the pea test! 

On a signal, he has to move this pea off the cutting board before a guy standing there with a big ax, chops the pea in half, but instead of reaching for the pea, he foils them by blowing it off.

John Cartney makes Mrs. Peel change into this dominatrix outfit...............

....................for the benefit of the revelers, and the folks watching at home.

 

John Steed  has to then have a duel with a guy who lost two fingers once in the pea contest, so you know he's a loser!

Mrs. Peel has a big battle with the shrimp who was in the other fighting contest, and wins easily!

 

John Cartney then comes after Mrs. Peel with a whip, and eventually falls through a trap door usually reserved for his lackeys, just in time to end another awesome episode!

LOONEY TUNES / Daffy In "The Scarlet Pumpernickel" - 1950

Here's one for a Friday, Daffy pitches his massive script to J. L. Warner for an adventure movie set in merry olde England, with him as the star, The Scarlet Pumpernickel. Chuck Jones and Michael Maltese deliver the good while Mel Blanc does all the voices (even Elmer Fudd) except for The Fair Melissa, voiced by Bea Benaderet.

So, Daffy's in JL's office, ready to pitch his epic movie adventure...

Here we go, the script is like 2000 pages!

It starts with the handsome swashbuckling Scarlet Pumpernickel thwarting the king's men as they chase him through the English countryside.

When The Fair Melissa is caught swooning over the masked bandit, the King gets plenty angry! We see Melissa's Lady-In-Waiting, Momma Bear, there playing the harp.

Prince Sylvester receives a note from the King, he will have The Fair Melissa's hand in marriage, and keep her from the clutches of The Scarlet Pumpernickel...

Scarlet Pumpernickel shows up in disguise as a weary young traveler, he'd like a room for the night after his journey.

He visits the King and Sylvester, this is hilarious. The word is out, The Scarlet Pumpernickel may be dressed like a weary young traveler. While Daffy's being questioned about who he is, he says that he just might be the one they're looking for...

It's the wedding day and The Fair Melissa cries all the way to the alter.

There's only one way for Daffy to get to the top of the castle to break up the wedding!

The Fair Melissa grabs her duck and makes a b-line out of the castle.

Daffy takes a pause from reading the script but JL wants to know, what happens next?

So, Daffy and Melissa have holed up at the pub. The Pumpernickel has to go do battle with the bad guys and in the meantime, Sylvester locates his damsel in distress.

Daffy hears Melissa's screams and swings in on a rope, but misses the window. Then it's a duel to the death with Sylvester...

Daffy runs out of  pages and wings it when he's asked... What happens next?

There's a terrible storm and there's so much water that the dam breaks!

What happens next?.. Well, there's a volcano that covers over everything with lava!

So, what happens next? asks JL once again. Daffy says, there's only one thing left for The Scarlet Pumpernickel to do! He pulls the trigger...

He rises up and ends with, you have to kill yourself to get a script accepted in Hollywood!!