Monday, March 21, 2022


 What we gots today is 13 of my favorite crappy horror and sci-fi movies from the fifties and sixties. Six of these have been great fodder for the MST guys to chew on, and boy do they! So, grab a cup of coffee for old Tabonga, sit back and enjoy the ride...

Thank you Phil Tucker for putting this one together for TV in 1960, it's pretty cool and I like it a lot. Aliens Hauron and Nadja are fun to watch, his left arm missing with a blood stained sleeve, and their transmission procedure is just weird! Word is... Plastics!

The MST boys have a field day with this Coleman Francis, Tony Cardoza production, wow is it cheap and crappy, but, not without its charm. They just put layers of rubber cement on Tor's face for makeup, plain crappy. They show off Marcia (woo woo) Knight on the poster but she's only in it for a minute, and never sees the Beast! It would have been a much better movie if they filmed her just flopping around for an hour!

Oh my effing Gott!!.. This thing is such a damn mess, but the MST guys hit a home run here, saving the day, one of my favorites! The ending is the most ridiculous POS in the history of film, a Must See!

This one is on the list if for nothing else, for the mind bending séance scene put on by Dr. Acula, with a messed up voice from beyond, that swizzle stick and the pathetic trumpet sounds, holy scheiss! Tor never looked better though, he's all messed up as Lobo the enforcer. I remember seeing a full page promo shot of him in Famous Monsters, he looked creepy and cool.

This movie takes the cake!! That amateur poster there really captures the movie's quality, or lack thereof. It is so whack! The monster is indescribably ridiculous, what a piece of shit, it's slow as Hell too. Just plain amateur hour. MST saves the day again though!

Holy Crap, Holy Crap. Holy Crap!!! This movie is soooooooo BAD!! Larry Buchanan's take on INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN is pathetic. But you can't not watch it to see if that military guy wins that five dollar bet. The nighttime scenes are filmed at like, noon, in actual dark scenes you can see the monsters are are just wearing their head pieces, things just don't match, a total mess! AARGH!! Again, MST does its job, Joel comments on the title card, he says... Who wrote Attack Of The, The Eyes Creatures?!.. Mel Tilllis??

The music alone will make you want to beat your head against a wall. The characters are a mixture of weirdos littered with spider women, male dwarfs, a giant spider, a mad scientist, a psycho and a love triangle! Rifftrax recently got their hands on this one. Love the movie and its madness.

I don't know why I like this one so much, but I do, for me it has a certain charm. Plus it has Him in it, Him likes to look at nudie magazines with pages torn out and hung on the wall. The producers were thrilled when they saw the poster for the movie, but when they finally got to see it, they were flabbergasted by the difference between the fantastic poster and the weak-ass movie!

Eegah and I saw this crazy movie when it came out, and boy did we crack up when they showed the little critters up close! They look like Brillo pads with white pipe cleaners sticking out of them, holy cow! Our band Hermanos Guzanos did a 'musical' version, "Brain Eaters," that can be found on You Tube along with lots of other HG 'tunes' there too.

Man, what can you say about this total bomb that hasn't already been said. It's a hoot to watch as they work their way through the script. Well, maybe I have something to note that hasn't been discussed before about this 3-D disaster... As Ro-Man is walking up one hill in particular, he's tippy-toeing his way up the trail (he looks so damn silly here), looks like he's a little concerned about falling down, or stumbling. seems like he's having trouble seeing what he's doing because of the stupid space helmet!

The madness never stops! This movie is just plain whack, but I love it, it delivers all the low budget monsters, props and effects you'd want for a good laugh. What's really cool is that Bob Crewe (from The Four Seasons) does a number of tunes throughout the film. What I remember most is the super-crappy makeup job on Dr. Nadir's ears, jeez!!

Here's a weird little movie with a David Hewitt tie in, also known as SPACE MONSTER, a TV movie that made it to the theater circuit. The only thing you'll probably remember are those sexy dreams of one of the spaceship crew, and that little alien (with its tongue hanging out) they found in an abandoned ship just floating around in space, but still, I like it.

I saved my favorite crappy movie for last, wow, this thing is surreal... The theme song is great, the cast is great, and it has one of the most interesting movie monster ever conceived. So, what more could you want from a crappy movie?.. Hope you enjoyed.


kd said...

Too many favorites in this buncha flicks from the greatest hits of B-Filmdom!

I'd have to say that THE BRAIN EATERS and THE BEAST WITH A MILLION EYES are my favorites here, and my most-watched among these moldy oldies-but-goodies! (As a kiddo, I called 'em The Bunny Slippers from Outer/Inner Space!) :D

But really, y'know, these are CLASSICS ALL!!! (Hey, to each his/her/it's own!)

Honestly, I'd rather watch ANY of these, rather than the latest from Lucas! :P

Randall Landers said...

I really enjoy Space Probe Taurus and Mission Mars, but Brain Eaters an Beast with a Million Eyes are passable.

The rest not so much. Tor Johnson could've been so much more, but alas being tied to Ed Wood was probably not good for his career. He could've been the 50's Rondo Hatton.

kd said...

OUCH! ;)

TABONGA! said...

My least favorite would have to be ROBOT MONSTER as far as watchable, it's just so terrible, the same old terrain, that messed up rocket explosion, the bubbles, etc. I really like CAPE CANAVERAL MONSTERS too, in fact, I'd prefer to watch any of these over anything out there, they're just a pile of FUN, and I'm happily stuck in the past! Eff gloss.

Realm Of Retro said...

Cape Canaveral Monsters: Movie begins with car accident.
Man gets arm ripped off.
Female companion casually remarks
"Your arm....I'll take it and sew it back on at the laboratory"

Beast Of Yucca Flats:
This movie was running against "West Side Story"
and "Spartacus" so now
you know why it didn't win an Academy Award.

Monster A-Go-Go:
"You've never seen a picture like this --Thank Goodness"
"This picture could set our space program back 50 years --NASA"
These were included in movie posters for this movie.
THere actually is a blu-ray out for this movie, it's pretty good.

Attack of the the Eye Creatures:
Hilarious carbon copy of "Invasion of the Saucer Men"
I found an EXCELLENT copy* of this years ago and posted
it to Archive so you can literally have it:

* you want the 1.3GB Matroska file for good quality.

kd said...

Larry Buchanan RULZ! :D

I wrote a long message earlier in defense of BRAIN EATERS and BEAST WITH A MILLION EYES, but the internet gremlins ate it, so suffice it to say, both movies were funded by Roger Corman, and Corman actually took over directing BEAST/MILLION EYES. While the greatly talented Bruno Ve Sota directed BRAIN EATERS. Bruno also directed and acted in the 1950s art film, DEMENTIA. The budget on these two films was under $20K each! I love watching films that were basically made on a wing and a prayer, totally shoestring productions. I can identify with these two cheap movies, because the concepts and ideas behind them are beyond most low-budget genre films of their time. They are basically no-budget sci-fi art films. If my house caught fire, they are likely the two DVDs/Blu-rays I would grab, save, and run from the house!

That's all. And thanks, Randall, for making me think! ;)

Oh yeah, CAPE CANAVERAL MONSTERS is a huge favorite also, and I got to hang out with my dear friend, the late Katherine Victor, to talk about CCM. Yay! One of the best couple of days of my life...

Realm Of Retro said...

The Brain Eaters: Leonard Nimoy is in this film!
About 10min before end of film, he's in heavy makeup
but that voice is real easy to recognize.

LACK of sets/scenery killed this movie IMO.
It's bad enough viewers have to endure seeing a guy
in an ape suit, bubble machine for FX, brat kids, practically
non-existent FX, and what some might consider a lame story line.
This movie will last forever because of the
Hilarious visuals of Ro-Man in his funny ape suit.

I woke up at 1a.m. back in the 70s and this movie was on.
"Wizard of Mars" hit me like that too.
When you see a movie under such conditions you never forget it.
HILARIOUS review, I just love the part when someone calls
the spaceship a "flying Campbell's Soup Can" or something like that!

kd said...

The best part(s) of MISSION MARS are threefold, as follows:

The late, great Nick Adams.

The late, great Darren McGavin.

and the FREAKY Martian "light bulb with tentacles" critter!

The film was made by the same peeps who made SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, which is pretty strange and freaky too. But where's Pia Zadora? Was she inside that Martian thingy? Alas, we'll never know...

So on that note, 'nuff said from me!

Randall Landers said...

Agreed, Nick Adams and Darren McGavin and the cool lightbulb alien make MISSION MARS work for me.

I have a tendency to love Corman movies, and most of his work for me.

kd said...

I think the best of the Corman DVD releases (IMHO) is the triple feature of NOT OF THIS EARTH, WAR OF THE SATELLITES, and ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS, along with some extras including trailers and background info on the rest of his films. I never listened to the commentary, but I might try to soon.

Corman's 1950s black and white sci-fi flicks are the most fun, to me anyway!

For example, I love the 1957 NOT OF THIS EARTH the most of his output. So much so, that I started shooting a pseudo-remake fanfilm about 20 years ago. Dang, I lost track of what I was doing, because I was loving shooting it so much that I didn't want it to end! The title was EMISSARY 13. I have 2 or 3 external hard drives of footage. One of my few unfinished projects...


TABONGA! said...

Hey Guys - The name of the Martian light bulb monster is a 'Polarite' - I built like 5 of those things to sell - Speaking of The Cor-Man, and some of his movies are true classics and Dungeon favorites, but, that fucking TEENAGE CAVEMAN gives me conniption fits, there's just something about it that makes me want to strangle it! Robert Vaughn looks like a dork, seriously, where did they go wrong?!.. It definitely qualifies as a Crappy Movie for sure! Sorry but, I got off the track -

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