Wednesday, December 21, 2011

LUMABAN KA, SATANAS - Ernani Cuenco - "The Killing Of Satan" (666-1983)

The three wise men delivered gold, frankincense and myrrh, wise guy Professor Grewbeard came through for you with coal, frankenstein, and mirth, and this is what I'm talkin' about, let's get ready to rumble, cause it's time for "The Killing Of Satan" Get thee below me Satan, you evil bastard, because they don't like your kind in The Phillipine Islands!!

For me, I think the weirdest part is that "The Killing Of Satan" is not a religious flick, how's that for a dichotomy right out of the bag?

The Filipino Burt Reynolds, Ramon Revilla, has the lead role of Orlando San Miguel, or as he's better known, Lando! Lando is the one chosen to perform the task at hand! Lando's uncle has died by taking a metaphysical bullet for Lando, and now it's up to Lando to figure it all out! Are you ready for this? Ramon Revilla has fathered 72 children by 16 different women, and he's not even a Mormon! Many of his children are in show business, and have names like Bong, Princess, Strike, and Ram! I guess if you have that many kids, you get pretty creative! Ramon has made a few more films than children, counting 79, and at the height of his popularity, he became a Senator!! The prefect guy to take on Satan, no doubt!!

Lando's given a boat and told to go find his Uncle's grave, but when the boat stops, a floating log starts banging on the side of his dinghy, and then suddenly turns into this thing!

While Lando's out goofing around on the water, the dark one and his crew wreak havoc in the village! The Devil and his pals have some loco powers, like in this stare down sequence!

The big evil dude shifts it into 4th gear! It's great, first they stare you down, then they punch you in the face!

Lando is by told by Renzo the secret words he needs to say to bring out the inner power his uncle has vested in him! Snap! Zap!! Lando was just minding his own business when he got this call to duty, but now it's gotten serious because the dark one and his pals have kidnapped some of the girls!!

So off they go into the unknown in search of truth, justice and the Filipino way! This little Taiwanese Pygmy freak is one of the first things they meet when head down into the Devil's hole!

Lando and Renzo kick ass all over the diabolical place, and the hot and cold colours I learned about in film class abound in the caves!

In your face Devil Dawg! Comoser Ernani Cuenco has 186 titles to his credit, everything from "Psycho Sex Killer" to "Muslim .357!"

In the only PG-13 scenes, all the nude lassies are held captive in this impenetrable cage!

EVIL, EVil, Evil!!!

Renzo teaches Lando about his powers, goes along with him and kicks major Mephistopheles butt all over the place, and still doesn't get any credits!

It's like a really bad nightmare, Renzo finally catches up to and saves his beloved, and she just unexpectedly tears into his face because she is now controlled by Satan! Talk about a rip-off!!

Lando is finally given the eternal fantastic weapon by some cat with weird hair, a really big stick!!!

Welcome to "Dante's Inferno and Espresso Bar!!! Live it, or live with it!

Satan's not tough enough to deal with the massive power of Lando by himself, so he conjures up another 6 or 7 clones of himself to finish off the job!

A massive battle ensues between the forces of good and evil! Jab, punch, parry, dodge, hit, destroy!

"Dim down the lights!" No, Lando won't be swayed by the muses of Barry White!

"You're just a rock and roll queen, you know what I mean, I'm just a rock and roll star!" - Mott The Hoople

Satan's got a few different looks over the course of this film, here he channels Elvis in his final moments!!

"There's going to be a showdown!" - ELO

Freakin' Satan puts 'The Claw" on Lando!! How much worse can it get than that??

So what is a Philistine? A person who is hostile, or indifferent to culture and the arts, or who has no understanding of them. And what is just the opposite.......

........The Phillipines, a place overflowing with culture and arts, a place made up of over 7000 islands south east of China, the 12th most populous place in the world, where they speak Tagalog and Spanish too! The name Phillipines is derived from the name of King Phillip the II of Spain because he was in charge in 1542 when the islands were 'discovered!' It all adds up to one Helluva melting pot, good food, wild imaginations, championship boxers, and the balls to take Satan on head first, and kick his ass in the process! Gonna find out who's naughty, who's nice, Satan is going down!!!

So, just remember kids, what the Louvin Brothers said, "Satan Is Real!"


Prof. Grewbeard said...


Eegah!! said...

Strength through Unity!

Realm Of Retro said...

Louvin Bros...
They could have had great careers in the
fabric business.."Satin is Real"...

TABONGA! said...

Eegah!! and I worked summers picking grapes in a Filipino crew in the early sixties!

Unknown said...

I wish you quite a great Christmas and a good start in the new year!

And, however, furthermore so wonderful contributions (would be nice if there were these brilliant films also sometimes into German ^^)

zillagord said...

I have actually seen this. Weird, surreal, hysterically awful.
"Muslim .357" sounds awsome!

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