I'm changing the name from "Saturday Spooktacular" to "Sicko Saturday" for awhile, and after you see what I'm offering tonight, and in the weeks to come, I think you might agree, because
"Battle Beneath The Earth" is one Sick Flick! Probably not the way you think, but I mean to tell you this movie is whack, pure and simple, and crazier than some of my distant relatives after they got into the moonshine! Probably what's most alarming is that this is the past, and not the future, and the makers of this film expect you to take a lot for granted, like everything you've ever learned!!
What better place to start a movie about crazy people, than Las Vegas! These cops have been called out to investigate a
'Listening Disturbance!' You might think at this point that the movie is going to be about giant ants, because Peter Arne as Arnold Kramer is hearing things moving around underneath the surface of the earth!
Kerwin "Rico Suave" Mathews as Commander Jonathan Shaw is working on a theory he has about primary colours, when he is asked by his assistant if he'd go talk with Crazy Arnold, you know, because that's the least he can do, since Arnold saved the Commander's life during the war!
No bout a doubt it, Arnold is azycray in the edhey, and his rantings make no sense at all, so they have a cigarette. I'm surprised they allowed smoking in a padded cell, but they smoke everywhere in this film as you will see!
You know the guy has to be crazy, because if there was really anything going on the guvment would know about it first, because they got all kinds of handy-dandy super-duper listening devices and stuff!
They've detected some weird irregularities up there in Oregon, now imagine that!
They found this weird coin down in the mind mine, now what could it possibly mean? Maybe it's cause Ted's the one that dug this flick up for us!
They let Arnold out of the looney bin, so he can explain to the authorities what he thinks is going on! Here's a true life weird story, Peter Arne came to an untimely demise in 1980, when he was bludgeoned to death in his home by an Italian homeless schoolteacher guy, who then committed suicide, so they still don't know the real facts, but they say Peter was known for bringing guys like that home for sex, so something emotional probably went wrong!
Even after Arnold explains his theories, they still think he's off his rocker!!
But the threat IS real, and they're boring tunnels all the way from China to America!! The boring machines are all painted up real spiffy, and are well maintained! If anybody tells you this moving is boring, this is what they are talking about!!
Commander Shaw and a small Army are dispatched to the scene, end up ambushing the boring guys, find a room full of atomic bombs, and dismantle them all! Damn straight!
This is rogue Chinese General Chan Lu, he's really pissed off, because the guy playing him isn't Chinese! He's got a lot of cool stuff, including his own special bump cap with his own logo on it! Chan Lu was portrayed by Martin Benson, who was in "Goldfinger," Gorgo," "The Cosmic Man" and 139 other productions! He just died earlier this year at 91 years of age!
That old boring machine was no match for an American made bazooka, that turns it into scrap metal in a hurry, but only after the loss of a couple of Army guys, who got fried by the boring ray first!
It's really astounding how fancy the Chinese have fixed up the place, and how much gadgetry they have. Here, the General is transported back up, via this vacuum tube!
The music for "Battle Beneath The Earth" was composed by Ken Jones who also wrote the score for the 1958 George Pal production of "Tom Thumb" starring Russ Tamblyn, among his many credits!
In an attempt to pinpoint the underground noises, they have to make the computer so sensitive that it spins wildly out of control, so they come up with this plan.............
.....Get everybody and everything in America to just STOP all at the same time, and it will be so quiet, they will literally be able to hear a pin drop, and as you can see, they are able to pinpoint where all those tunnels are!! Pretty dang tricky, eh?
What better time to have another smoke break, and a good strong drink!
Somebody just noticed something woefully lacking in this film, so they decided they better fly in a female in a hurry, and how do they justify it? She's an expert on holes, she's most likely the one that counted all the holes in Albert Hall!
Commander Shaw couldn't figure out the twists and turns of all those tunnels by himself, so that's why they imported world renown spelunker Tila Yung played by Vivienne Ventura to help him out! Check the titles of some of the TV shows Vivienne has been in: "The Saint," "Wild Wild West," "The Man From U.N.C.L.E," "Get Smart," and "I Spy!" Starting to see a pattern??
See, they needed her real bad to point them in the right direction!! I think it's this way, guys!!
And here it is, the paints still wet, but she's ready to shred, The official U.S. NAVY Laser Borer, Model 1, Make 1! Let's Rock!!
And when they finally burn through a wall of rock, it looks a lot like more Lost Caverns!!
Hey! Beautiful spot here, all right everybody, take a break, smoke 'em if you got 'em!!
Commander Shaw gets kidnapped, and after another smoke break, is offered a job in the new world order!
Commander Shaw's team gets thrown in jail, and escapes, just in time to take control of The Bomb Train! That's right, THE Bomb Train!!!
Act Chinese!!
That's pretty much it for The General! Why he would want to take control of a world blown apart is anybody's guess. These guys get so wrapped up in the plan, they forget what the end result is most likely going to be!
The Ending is as big a mystery as anything. How they got far enough away to watch the whole thing on the horizon is something this happy couple can ponder the rest of their radioactive lifes, and if that ain't sick, I don't know what is!!
Here's Jay with Bullwinkle, makes me think of Robert and Cecil! Hey, that pic looks a lot like our pal, Greg Goodsell... The one with the antlers, natcherly!!
The nutty, unforgettable music was done by three guys, Dennis Farnon and Fred and George Steiner, George is Fred's father.
Rocky and Bullwinkle are working on their secret rocket fuel formula when Moon Men, Gidney & Cloyd, pop in to stop Earth tourism to the Moon before it starts, or get 'scrooched!' I love the sound effect they use when Gidney & Cloyd appear and disappear! It'd make a great ringtone...
Boris and Natasha get their orders from Fearless Leader... "Keel Moose!" So, Boris cuts the rope holding the dangling safe that will then land on Bullwinkle who's walking on the sidewalk below.
Wait Boris, entire note says do not keel Moose!
...UH-OH!!
Boris makes it just in time to save Bullwinkle!
For days, the boys work feverishly baking, trying to duplicate grandma Moose's recipe, but nothing will expolde!
Swami Bin Boris and his lovely assistant show up, also trying to get their hands on the formula.
Why, I got too much brain power, I'm just a... (snap) "Yes, master!"
Bullwinkle tells Boris and Natasha 'everything' including his many childhood memories!
zzzzzz.. zzzzzzzz.. zzzzz.. zzzzz..
The Moon Men are the only ones that hear the formula when Bullwinkle gets around to that part.
Cloyd gets to do some more scrooching!
Tune in next Monday, same time, same channel, for another Moldie Oldie offering, here at The Dungeon!
