Friday, November 19, 2010

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS / Mr. B.I.G. - 1977

Hello everbloody an' welcome to Friday Night Drive-In, here at The Dungeon! Get ready for Mr. BIG's weird tale of EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, a variation of FOOD OF THE GODS which stars Joan Collins and Robert Lansing. Joan was in TALES THAT WITNESS MADNESS and was 'The Siren' on the BATMAN TV series. Robert was the 4-D MAN and was 'Gary 7' in the STAR TREK TV series.

The storyline for tonight's flick goes like this... "Sleazy scam artist Joan Collins tries to sell phony real estate deals down in the Florida everglades. What she and her unsuspecting buyers don't know is the area has been taken over by giant ants!"

This is the ant, better treat it with some respect!! That's r-e-s-p... e-c-t!

What?.. Man treat anything with respect? You're out of yer freakin' mind!!

The music is by Dana Kaproff, and I believe his very first appearance, here at The Dungeon! Mr. Kaproff gets most of his composing credits for TV, a few things he worked on are THE BIONIC WOMAN, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, FALCON CREST, CAGNEY & LACEY and MATLOCK.

Awrat then, time to bring in our lil' Dungeon helper and furry 6-eyed freek, Ralphie The Tarantula, since the atomic clock on the wall sez it's time 2 B pushin' that big red 'GO' button over there, which starts our Eariffic Earclip for... EMPIRE OF THE ANTS!

Oopise! Now, how'd that happen?.. It was supposed to sink!

You gotta admit, it looks delicious!

Okay, now that everbloody's drunk on their ass, time to board the tram and go sell some real estate! Wheeeee... hic!

This is what a giant ant sees right before it gets you!!

It's scenes like this where Bert totally blows it! The boat and dock are not even on the same plane besides those fakey looking ants!

You'd think that an outhouse would be off limits for those critters, but noooooo!

Wait, where'd the hot chicks go?..

Exit... Stage left!!


Check out dude's helping hand!

Here's where all the fun takes place!

Hold on now, you're gonna hafta show me your tickets!

Oh man, that's a real gasser!..

Sometimes, Antie's in the mood for a threesome!

Yeah, that guy tried to crowd...

Joan finds out that sex with a giant ant ain't half bad!

Hey!.. What'd I just tell you about cutting in line?!!..

Huh, I wundur whut happins if'fin I do this here?

You can pee later!.. RUN!!!

There wuz nutin' left 'cept a big old pile-o toasted crispy critters!..

Ghoulnight Everbloody!!


Greg Goodsell said...

Joanie called this film the nadir of her casreer in her autobiography, "Past Imperfect."

TABONGA! said...

Yeah, to bad that it translates to 'working for Bert!'

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