Wednesday, June 30, 2010

ROBO VAMPIRE - Alan Wilson - "Thank-You Vampires, Thank-You Very Much" (1988)

All Right, enough with the bullshit already, here's "Robo Vampire!!!

Vampires, Hong Kong Style!! Not Bela by any means, these guys are ugly and powerful to the point of being superhuman, if they were human that is, but they're not. Their breath is so foul, it will kill you in a flash, and they hop around like maniacal kangaroos from Hell, and if they catch you, they don't just bite your neck, they bite a big chunk out of it!!

It took me a while to be able to actually grasp this concept, but if you put one of these pieces of paper in front of one of these vampire creature's mugs, it stops them dead in their tracks!! Okay, I don't get it either, but it seems to work in this movie!!

Smugglin' dope in caskets full of vampires, it's like a no brainer, if the authorities bust you, then they get killed by the vampires!!

The evil drug smuggler cat has vampires in his pad just chillin' until he needs them, and one of them somehow ends up smokin' a cigarette that causes a fire and creates a big Hellfire commotion! Come on everybody, do the Lo Commotion!

Like good disc brakes, that scripture stops those loco vampires on a dime, and gives you back 6 cents change!!

Smart ass drug smugglers resist the temptation to tell the boss of the vampires that they think his garlic necklaces and vampire halting papyrus are wack!!

Damn, now that's some massive skin problems, and you thought adolescence was tough!

Okay, where were we, drug smugglers, hoppin' vampires, and now the topless Witch joins into the foray! She's pissed because the boss of the vampires made her boyfriend into a creature of the night before they had a chance to consummate their vegatable soup of a love affair.

The witch is from the West and her boyfriend, who bears a strange resemblance to Kong, is from the East, so it's assumed by the boss of the vampires that their love was doomed from it's inception, so he tries to make them fight, but love prevails when vampire Kong recognizes his own true love!

So approximately 30 minutes into the film, you start asking yourself what and where's the Robo part? Well, it seems one of the drug enforcement agents got killed during a scuffle with the drug lords and their vampires, and now has been reconstructed as some kind of Frankenstein Robo Vampire Killer!! Pretty sophisticated equipment, even gets AM!

Then when a drug dealing priest gets ripped off, this white gal comes out of nowhere to almost save the day before getting kidnapped and held for ransom! Phew!!

Nice shot of Robo Dude getting ready to kick some vampire and drug dealer ass!!

Who knew arm wrasslin' was so popular in Hong Kong? And while we're on the subject, the cool music for this film was composed by a guy named Alan Wilson, in his only known film outing!!

This is about the only good shot I could get where you actually see the beach bunny vampires hopping! Robo Guy does have an equlizer commonly known as a big gun, that generally works towards his advantage!!

Aw Shit! The drug smugglers cheat, and use a bazooka to even the odds when the vampires start losing, and blow freakin' Robo Man to kingdom come!!

The Doctor somehow manages to reassemble Robo Vampire Destroyer, and the viewer gets the thrill of watching him annihilate even more vampire booty in a score of cool settings!!

You might notice that the new improved Robo Fellow has an even more modern and GQ outfit that enables him to look even cooler as he wrecks total destruction to the minds of all the evildoers!

Robo Dude kicks even more butt, the Witch and the Kong Vampire re-unite, and the evil drug dealers with the badly dubbed voices are wiped off the face of the planet forever, so that we can all live in peace and harmony again! Thanx again to Professor Grewbeard for turning us on to this stupefying flick, be sure and catch it when it plays in your local theatre!!

6 comments:

KW said...

Thanks for the post buddy!

I've been curious about this film for a while.

Have a happy day
KW

RODAN! said...

Wowzers!.. Is that a giant clear boil on Ms. Skin Problem's forehead? Calling Dr. Lancelot!!

TABONGA! said...

I have some anime that uses those pieces of paper to stop vampires too!

prof. grewbeard said...

alternate title- Big Vampire Trouble In Little Robo China!

a jaw-dropper, for sure...

Greg Goodsell said...

Love this awful thing. It was in my hiugh pile of DVDs that got stolen -- may those bastards rot in hell.

best comedy videos said...

its awsome how they made the people look like monters years ago!!

Monster Music

Monster Music
AAARRGGHHH!!!! Ya'll Come On Back Now, Y'Hear??