OKAY!!! The time has finally come! The moment you've been waiting for, the Super Saturday Seventies Spectacular Special, "STARCRASH"!!!
Caroline Munro is the stunning Stella Star, and mighty Marjoe Gortner is Akton!! Leave it to the Italians to come up with a cast that includes a one time four year old child evangelist coupled with one of the UK's queens of horror! But we're just getting started......Pretty cool spaceship they've got!!
If you had to pick somebody to be the super slimeball tough guy Count Zarth Arn that wants to rule the universe, Joe (MANIAC) Spinell would have to be the guy at the top of the list!!
Still more leftovers from "Wizard Of Mars," is that even remotely possible? Well, maybe conceptually anyway!
Caroline Munro has had an awesome career! Not only was she Dr. Phibes dead wife Victoria Regina Phibes in both of the Dr. Phibes movies, she was also Naomi in the "The Spy Who Loved Me," and along with Joe Spinell, was in "Maniac" and another film we'll get around to some day, "The Last Horror Film!"
This space skull barbarian shot of Stella Star looks like some kind of classic fantastic Frank Frazetta comic illustration!!
It's said that Caroline Munro and her blonde counterpart Ingrid Pitt were known as the Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe of UK horror! It's funny how Caroline Munro and Marilyn Monroe sound so similar, but Caroline was the one compared to Jane Russell not Marilyn!
I couldn't find my copy, but I might still have this Caroline Munro 12" single "Pump Me Up" that was produced by Gary Numan around here somewhere! Caroline Munro was never big on posing nude, she didn't need to!!
Caroline and Marjoe are joined on a good part of their journey by the campy robot Elle, who has Judd (The Last Horror Film) Hamilton inside, and whose obnoxious twangy voice in English was provided by actor and folk singer Hamilton Camp, who had a song that hit #76 in 1968 called "Here's To You!" The Pelón Thor was portrayed by Robert (Born Loser Glory Stomper Outlaw Rider) Tessier! Robert rounded out his career in the 1990 feature "Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell!"
Stella Star's meeting with this giant amazon robot seemed awfully reminiscent of one one of the Sinbad movies as do Count Zarth Arn's armed robot guards! Caroline Munro also had the role of Margiana in "The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad"
In a very primitive encounter with a bunch of cavemen launched off of trampolines, the robot Elle literally gets his brains bashed in, and Stella is left alone again!
Next up a stylish masked man appears out of nowhere to watch over Stella, and bigger than elephant poop, it's none other than..........
.........The Hoff, in his second ever film production! David Hasselhoff's previous film appearance was in "Revenge Of The Cheerleaders" where he played a character named Boner!
Thor ends up showing his true traitorous colours, and Marjoe has to kick his ass with what appears to be miracles of power! Just in case you wondered, Marjoe's name was derived from a combination of Mary and Joseph!
Just try and sit back, relax, and bask in the beauty of these combined four shots of cinematic wonder!!
Because "Starcrash" is SO bad, I can easily say it's one of the best flicks I've seen this year! Just like Joe Spinell in most of his films, it's that bad!! Joe Spinell passed away back in 1989 at the age of 52, from what are still undetermined causes!
Probably the most disappointing element of "Starcrash" is the uninspiring music by the genius John (Can you say James Bond?) Barry!! It is so brutally Star something else, it will keep your mind in wonder!
The gorgeous Caroline Munro looks so much like Spongebob's friend Sandy Cheeks in this final picture that it has left me speechless!!!
"Starcrash," what a fantastic giant heap of steaming dung, and what a great movie!!!!