Welcome to Mondo Monday with Tabonga, here at The Dungeon! Tabonga got a stearn warning from the boss after he sat down and watched this title for the very first time. Andy Milligan is banned from Tabonga's house!! Truly, this POS super classic can especially shock those not prepared for it's full heaping helping of incompentence, garrish sets and costumes, and, a bunch of jaw-dropping
ba-a-a-a-ad acting...
The story is basically this... Father Guru, stationed on the island of Mortavia in 1480, is the schizophrenic, power mad chaplain of a Central European prison. And, he will murder or torture anyone he thinks might be threatening his little world...
Even though this was a rush job for the drive-in circuit by Andy and company, that's no excuse for what goes on in this weird little 62 minute flick filmed in New York with a decent (for 1970) budget of $20,000. All I can say is, give Retromedia a helluva lot of credit for picking up this crappy title for distribution!
They used magnetized letters on a children's book cover for the title card! Since it seems like the soundtrack came from old 78 records they found in a thrift store and there's no credits anywhere, hey, my job's done here!
So then, it's time to bring in our littlest Dungeon helper and pal, Rufus The Gnat! Yay, for Rufus!! Each and every Monday he's here to push the big red 'GO' button over there, conveniently located near the loo since we drink a lot of coffee... Anyway, Eegah!! has put together a nice little trainwreck of a soundclip to get his take on the subject. Here's...
GURU, THE MAD MONK!
I will say one nice thing about the flick, I like the artwork used for the credits!
If you can't get enough of Carl's distasteful, pasty profile in this opening scene, well, you're in luck, there's plenty more where that came from!
Oh yeah, and, there's what's her name!
Eeeek!!!.....That's Guru there, too.
Aww, c'mon, man... Gimme a break!!.. Carl tries to buy some illegal drugs from Olga. Supposedly, Olga's a vampire!... LOL
A lot of it was filmed in a real church...
Like, these parts here!!
And, when Guru's not squeezing Carl's greasy face, he's admiring Igor's funny lil' mug! Igor's his obedient hunchback helper...
Dude!.. The flick has a vampire
and a hunchback!.. What the hell more do you want?!!
I'm not ef'fin' crazy...
You're ef'fin' crazy!!.. No, I'm not!..
Yes, I am!!
Igor haz sum woids 4 Nadja...
A love match made when no one else showed up at the casting call!
And now, a moment of silence while Guru gets rid of some built-up, rancid gas from the chili/cheese burrito combo he had for lunch...
Braaaaap! Better hope that candle back there doesn't ignite it!!
A wild guess, but, I bet I know where most of the budget went... That hand painted sign and those hand made costumes! That's real silver fox fur!
So sorry, your majesty... We didn't know that's how you felt about bibs!
Dude, the bib has to go, you look like a 2 year old! It's embarrassing, grow up!.. I don't want to have to tell you again.. Are you listening to me?!
In the soundclip, sounds like Andy actually recorded one of his friends playing the organ like an idiot, for that special 'Mad Monk' sound he couldn't find on any 78.
Igor, my face is up here!
Since Igor is now in love with Nadja, he turns on Guru after he touches her inappropriately.
Guru and Olga gang up on Igor, but, Guru then turns on Olga...
Look at dem
lips!! Yow!.. Poor Nadja!! Without a doubt, the scariest part of this flick. That's what you call a
real lip lock!!Ghoulnight Everbloody!!..
In reality "Satan's Skool For Girls" is not much better than "Guru The Mad Monk," and that's really sad, but at least it's somewhat easier on the eyes!
I swear that this is the old gas station that sits along side of the road outside of Maricopa, on the way to Cuyama!!
Before we go any further, and so that you don't have any false expectations, I would like to say without a doubt, this shot of this telephone booth could just very well be the most exciting and terrifying thing in this whole movie!
Terry Lumley is Martha Sayers, and her scene opens the film, and is the epitome of what happened in the 70's. Terry's career consists of shows that are all the reasons I stopped watching televison. Hate me if you want to, but I just never could get into "Little House On The Praire," "Starsky and Hutch," or "Barnaby Jones." Evidently it was one of two things, either I wasn't young enough or I wasn't old enough!
I was way too busy still trying to figure out the meaning of Vanilla Fudge's version of "You Keep Me Hangin' On!"
So Martha's sister, the diminutive Pamela Franklin as Elizabeth Sayers enrolls in the school her sister was in to find out what in the literal Hell was going on! Pamela Franklin had an awesome career up to this point, and as one of many a Dungeon fave, she had been in "The Innocents", and "The Nanny" among her many accomplishments!
Elizabeth is immediately confronted by future angels Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd as Roberta Lockhart and Jody Keller respectively! In this early performance, Cheryl Ladd was billed as Cheryl Stoppelmoor!
Roy Thinnes is the rogue art teacher Dr. Joseph Clampett (probably Jed's nephew, Jethro's cousin, and Bob's half-brother) who has Miss Stoppelmoor and the other girl's rapt attention! Although he's done a lot, Roy will always be remembered in this redneck of the woods for his 43 episodes of the 1967-68 TV show, "The Invaders!"
Looks like a fun place, and how old are the girls in this school anyway, like 25?
The music for this less than festive 70's death party is brought to you by an extremely talented man we've never discussed here before, mainly because his work is very mainstream, the Master Laurence Rosenthal! Laurence is a big time cat, and has composed scores for some heady flicks like "A Raisin in the Sun", "Becket", and "The Miracle Worker."
It's that liquor influenced stream of consciousness bullshit that is exuded at parties that makes me stay home more than anything! Thank the Lord that dogs and cats don't talk!
Did I tell you that Cheryl Ladd was in this movie??
"Hey does anybody know anything, or have any information concerning any Satanists that killed my sister?" Oops, wrong question!!
Credit where credit is due, this is a pretty good shot for a TV movie!
Okay, somebody bring in that big papier-mâché head left over from that last "Cannon" episode so that it makes this scene look more surreal!!
The long legged Kate Jackson at 5'9" pretty much towers over the 5' Pamela Franklin, and the 5'4" Cheryl Stoppelmoor! Cheryl's first gig was the voice of Melody Valentine in the 1970 cartoon "Josie and the Pussycats!"
All you vampire lovers should know that Kate's first role was as Daphne Harridge on the "Dark Shadows" TV series!
Hey, how bout that, another good shot? I had more good shots of tequila while watching this than there were in the whole flick!
Here's a group of gals you don't want to be on the short end of the stick with!!
Look, it's Charlie's Angels, wait a minute, Satan and angels, it's all starting to make sense how deep it all is, and what was Kate's name on "Charlie's Angels?" Sabrina, of course!! All the signs are starting to point to the fact that just maybe the whole "Charlie's Angels" show was nothing more than a front for a group of Satanists!!
Roy is a lookin' like one happy camper, and why not, he's got it made!
How stupid can you be? You can't burn Satan, that would be like trying to freeze ice cubes!! Sorry Charlie, no cigar!!
