ROBOT MONSTER / Monsters Attack Earth! - 1953

In this truly insane, super cheap movie by Phil Tucker, Ro-Man shows up on Earth and destroys all but six people on the planet, and spends the whole movie trying to bring their demise, until he gets the hots for the girl called Alice!

Holy cow!!.. It's beyond belief what the producers thought they were going to do with a measly $16,000, and in 3-D no less. I can only imagine what the audience must have thought (fooled by the poster) when they saw it, it's so pathetic. I would have demanded my money back! But, how do you erase it from your brain... It's also known as MONSTERS FROM THE MOON and MONSTER FROM MARS!

The poor stars are George Nader as Roy, Claudia Barrett as Alice, Selena Royle as Mother, John Mylong as the Professor, Gregory Moffitt as Johnny, Pamela Paulson as Carla and George Barrows as Ro-Man.

Things get going when Johnny and Carla are wandering around in Bronson Canyon and see two men doing something in a cave. Johnny takes his space helmet off to talk to the men who are there looking for rock samples.

But, mom and big sister Alice show up, time for a nice picnic amongst the rocks and in the hot sun! Lovely spot Phil! Then, even stupider, they all lay down and take a nap there! But Johnny gets up and starts wandering around again...

He goes back to the cave and finds some dude dressed up in a gorilla suit with a cheesy space helmet glued on, playing with his bubble machine. Didn't know the circus was in town!

Ro-Man (should be Ro-Ape!) tunes in his view screen and finds the Professor and his family. He has a dire warning for them, he is NOT their friend!

Roy shows up and wants to help, but when Alice says that he's too bossy, he says... Bossy! You should be milked before you come home at night! Wow, the good old days!

Now, this part gives me fits... It looks like someone smashed this electrical unit with a sledge hammer, but Alice just lays a soldering iron (that's not even on!!) on the mess and that's what she thinks will fix it. She does this shit for like two days and finally gives up, but not for lack of trying.

I want to hurt you Phil Tucker! You make poor Alice look like a doofus, when it is YOU that is the doofus!

From the Moon I guess, the Great Guidance blows the rocket ship and its two crew members the Hell up! Good riddance to another crappy movie model!

After listening to Ro-Man's tripe, Alice decides she's going to talk with the monster and maybe she can save the world! She's immediately restrained and tied up... But now, Johnny's gone missing!

Johnny has tracked down Ro-Man and wants to know what's his beef with them. The kid let's it slip that the reason the death ray doesn't work on them is because they all took the Professor's serum! Oh no, now Ro-Man can recalculate, and bring them down - Try and fit that one into some logic circles. Johnny runs away to tell the Professor that he screwed up big time! The shot of Ro-Man shaking his fist at Johnny always cracks me up.

So, Roy and Alice get married and go on their honeymoon. Soon after that though, Carla is being buried, she went up to Ro-Man and told him that he can't hurt her because her dad would protect her. Ro-Man reaches over and chokes her out!! Roy runs into the funeral scene and says Ro-Man has Alice, then keels over dead!!

Ro-Man gets frisky and wants to see what Alice gots hidden in there...

Ro-Man gets distracted and has to leave the cave. When he does, the Professor and mom grab Alice and rescue her just in the nick of time.

So, Ro-Man finds Johnny and chokes him out too (yay), then the Great Guidance puts his destructo rays on Ro-Man for being horny, and he's outta here too!!

And the rays cause the dinosaurs' appearance again like at the beginning. This freakin' movie makes minus 13 o' sense!!

Well of course, Johnny bumped his head after he got up during naptime and went exploring. Everything's fine, Roy and the Professor are invited over for dinner by the girls. That's right, it was just a really BAD dream.. Err, MOVIE! AAARGH!!!