THE INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED TRANSPLANT (1971), featuring “It’s Incredible” by Bobby Boyle and a wild psychedelic score by John Barber

Welcome once again, friends and fiends. Tonight, it's Zillagord who is going to kick off the prestigious Halloween Countdown, with a flick that comes from a pedigree of exploitation filmmakers more incredible than the titular creature. Plus, it features the master of the countdown, “American Top 40” dee-jay Casey Kasem! What could be more appropriate? So hang onto your hats—both of ‘em!

Where to start? At the beginning? No, this is a horror flick: at the prologue, where else??? Creepy meshugener Albert Cole is on the loose again! No wonder Cole’s nutty: he’s a veteran of Al Adamson flicks! Catch Cole in ANGEL’S WILD WOMEN, THE FEMALE BUNCH, and of course Al’s monsterpiece, DRACULA VS FRANKENSTEIN!!

Cole teaches actress the proper position for encountering heavy turbulence… and for watching this flick!!

Judge finds Cole crazier than a hoot loon! That and his unpaid traffic tickets spell certain doom!

Cole just cackles maniacally and then the titles magically emerge from his laughing piehole! If this “effect” doesn’t tip you off to the nonsense to come, check out the psychedelic title screen below, which then promptly segues into the sappy theme tune, Bobby Boyle’s “It’s Incredible,” or "Torn Between Two Heads" Ugh. Did I mention flick also has fuzzy rock soundtrack by John Barber, who also scored THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO? OR that it was directed by Anthony Lanza, who worked closely with Ray Dennis Steckler and Arch Hall Jr. on WILD GUITAR? OR that it was written by John Lawrence and James Gordon White, who also did THE THING WITH TWO HEADS? I can’t believe a single ONE-HEADED person wrote this, let alone TWO dudes! This film truly sports a lineage of lame, friends. We’re in for a wild ride.

Speaking of wild ride… flick stars Bruce Dern, veteran of many a drugged-out biker flick (THE CYCLE SAVAGES, THE WILD ANGELS) and many a drugged-out drug flick (PSYCH-OUT, THE TRIP). Flick also stars Dern’s porn ‘stache. Here he explains his research into two-headed transplants, while his ‘stache says “wakka chikka wakka chikka.”

Casey say, “What you talkin’ ‘bout, porn ‘stache?” As you can see, Casey has fashion accessories that are holding their own conversations as well. What did the ascot say to the lapel? Perhaps he tells it that Casey, besides his radio gig and voice work for cartoons like “Scooby Doo” and “Transformers,” has acted in a number of bad flicks, including the ridiculous STREET DRUGS, THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE, and THE DARK.

Casey returns to the Mystery Machine, wishing he had not heard about Dern’s ‘speriments and harboring resentments towards his loquacious clothes.

Dern’s wife is played by Pat Priest of THE MUNSTERS. She’s a long way from 1313 Mockingbird Lane! Here we see Marilyn Munster taking a bath, for no reason other than to titillate sexually repressed boys and ghouls. Sorry, no sign of Yvonne DeCarlo, preverts…

Final piece of the puzzle—and it’s a BIG piece—is 7’4” former accountant (audit his ass, IRS!) John Bloom, seen here in the size 87 Osh B’Goshes. John made his debut as the fungus-faced Frankenstien’s monster in… wait for it… DRACULA VS FRANKENSTEIN. He also played Gor in Adamsom’s BRAIN OF BLOOD and was seen in THE DARK and HILLS HAVE EYES 2. Whadda resume. At least he wasn’t in MY GIANT. Here, he plays feeble-minded but gentle oaf Danny. What, you were expecting a feeble-minded but cruel oaf? Dern describes Danny as having “the mentality of an 8-year-old,” but I doubt even he would buy this flick. Unless he wrote it…

Cole escapes. I gotta say, dude’s got some great facial expressions and a real creepy laugh. Too bad he actually has a few lines, cuz he’s a horrible actor….

Now on with the Countdown! Casey not only acts in this one, he does radio voiceovers! Ah, low budgets! This Long Distance Dedication goes out to Barry in Bakersfield….

Peeping Pat! Cole assumes the molester position. Heavy breathing ensues.

You gotta real perty… mouth! Cole kidnaps Pat, but he doesn’t get far before he’s gunned down by Bruce and his henchman (Barry Kroeger, NIGHTMARE IN WAX, DEMON SEED). When he awakens…

Kinda looks like Warren Oates welded onto John Candy! Man, I love the “looking over the shoulder” effects in this flick. Rest of the movie is Danny battlin’ Cole for control of the body. In the philosophical sense, it’s an examination of the potential for evil to overcome good. Very Nietzchean; “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.” Just what the writers intended, I’m sure.

The best shot in the film.

Followed by the worst…

With its biker film pedigree, this scene was inevitable….

Dude’s rabbit’s foot not gonna do him any good, lest it come from a two-headed jackalope!

Lookat that phony head!! Kudos to EEGAH!!! for the great pics here!

Casey returns to… ahem… collar the creature. Those things certainly have more material than Carrot Top! More than enough for two heads!

Creature returns for Pat and destroys Dern’s laboratory in the process. Best line of the flick is uttered by the Deputy (Jerry Patterson, NYMPHS ANONYMOUS) upon seeing trashed lab: “Man, Dr. Girard must’ve been brewin’ up some of that Jekyll and Hyde joy juice!” Zowie!

Creature is finally cornered in a cave, a cave in which… oh, skip it. Just watch the film yourself if you need anymore of the poignant details. Here’s a teaser, though: nothing sadder than a lonely robot toy….

As the music swells (and as you begin to suspect another inevitable round of “It’s Incredible” coming down the pike), Casey utters the immortal line, “Sometimes too much imagination can destroy a man.” Sounds like an early version of “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.” My advice: keeps your heads on straight, and yell cut often.