ADVICE FOR OLD DUDES WHO STILL WANT TO GO TRICK OR TREATING / Or, HOW TO BE A CREEP ON HALLOWEEN

Hey all you kids out there that are too old to go trick or treating any more, but who love those big piles of candy to devour. So, here's some sage advice on how to get a ton of candy treats for yourself with hardly any work involved...

To illustrate a point on the incorrect way to amass a pile of treats, do this... Hide and wait until some kids go to a house, go up behind them and get on your knees so that you look short.

The candy man's wearing a Frankenstein monster mask, not a good sign.

But, he's giving each of the kids handfuls of candy, so, maybe he'll be generous to you!

Be very polite and and say... Trick or treat, mister!

His look says it all.

And, he tosses two lousy pieces at you.

Maybe you'll get more candy if you say... Only two pieces?!

And, he tells you to go away, you're too old to be trick or treating!

When you're walking away, you get an idea, and the guy gets a suspicious look on his face, picking up on your vibe.

So, might as well kick his pumpkin in the mush to show your unhappiness over the transaction and you run like Hell as he yells at you!

Okay, you can see what playing by the rules gets you. Now, here's the actual way to go about amassing that big old pile o' treats! I can taste it now!!

It's simple, what you do is hide behind a bush and wait for some kids to come walking by. And when they get up to you, jump out and say... Hey monster kids, what's up?!

If they don't run away, get into a conversation with them, ask them if they got a lot of candy, and whatever you do...

Act friendly!!

Then show them that you hardly got nothing in your bag, and act real sad-like.

Okay, here's the hook... Tell them that you'd like to look in their bags to see what a lot of candy looks like!

And when they present their bags to you... Grab them and hightail it into the shadows!!

And after you do the same thing to some other kids, well, you'll have a king's ransom of treats to last you for a whole week or more!

But if you eat it all in one sitting, you'll deserve what you get! This has been an old-timers Halloween public service announcement!