ROBO VAMPIRE - Alan Wilson - "Thank-You Vampires, Thank-You Very Much" (1988)

All Right, enough with the bullshit already, here's "Robo Vampire!!!

Vampires, Hong Kong Style!! Not Bela by any means, these guys are ugly and powerful to the point of being superhuman, if they were human that is, but they're not. Their breath is so foul, it will kill you in a flash, and they hop around like maniacal kangaroos from Hell, and if they catch you, they don't just bite your neck, they bite a big chunk out of it!!

It took me a while to be able to actually grasp this concept, but if you put one of these pieces of paper in front of one of these vampire creature's mugs, it stops them dead in their tracks!! Okay, I don't get it either, but it seems to work in this movie!!

Smugglin' dope in caskets full of vampires, it's like a no brainer, if the authorities bust you, then they get killed by the vampires!!

The evil drug smuggler cat has vampires in his pad just chillin' until he needs them, and one of them somehow ends up smokin' a cigarette that causes a fire and creates a big Hellfire commotion! Come on everybody, do the Lo Commotion!

Like good disc brakes, that scripture stops those loco vampires on a dime, and gives you back 6 cents change!!

Smart ass drug smugglers resist the temptation to tell the boss of the vampires that they think his garlic necklaces and vampire halting papyrus are wack!!

Damn, now that's some massive skin problems, and you thought adolescence was tough!

Okay, where were we, drug smugglers, hoppin' vampires, and now the topless Witch joins into the foray! She's pissed because the boss of the vampires made her boyfriend into a creature of the night before they had a chance to consummate their vegatable soup of a love affair.

The witch is from the West and her boyfriend, who bears a strange resemblance to Kong, is from the East, so it's assumed by the boss of the vampires that their love was doomed from it's inception, so he tries to make them fight, but love prevails when vampire Kong recognizes his own true love!

So approximately 30 minutes into the film, you start asking yourself what and where's the Robo part? Well, it seems one of the drug enforcement agents got killed during a scuffle with the drug lords and their vampires, and now has been reconstructed as some kind of Frankenstein Robo Vampire Killer!! Pretty sophisticated equipment, even gets AM!

Then when a drug dealing priest gets ripped off, this white gal comes out of nowhere to almost save the day before getting kidnapped and held for ransom! Phew!!

Nice shot of Robo Dude getting ready to kick some vampire and drug dealer ass!!

Who knew arm wrasslin' was so popular in Hong Kong? And while we're on the subject, the cool music for this film was composed by a guy named Alan Wilson, in his only known film outing!!

This is about the only good shot I could get where you actually see the beach bunny vampires hopping! Robo Guy does have an equlizer commonly known as a big gun, that generally works towards his advantage!!

Aw Shit! The drug smugglers cheat, and use a bazooka to even the odds when the vampires start losing, and blow freakin' Robo Man to kingdom come!!

The Doctor somehow manages to reassemble Robo Vampire Destroyer, and the viewer gets the thrill of watching him annihilate even more vampire booty in a score of cool settings!!

You might notice that the new improved Robo Fellow has an even more modern and GQ outfit that enables him to look even cooler as he wrecks total destruction to the minds of all the evildoers!

Robo Dude kicks even more butt, the Witch and the Kong Vampire re-unite, and the evil drug dealers with the badly dubbed voices are wiped off the face of the planet forever, so that we can all live in peace and harmony again! Thanx again to Professor Grewbeard for turning us on to this stupefying flick, be sure and catch it when it plays in your local theatre!!

THE DEATH KISS / K.B.S. Productions Inc. - 1932

Welcome to another Moldie Oldie Monday here at the Dungeon! Today we have a little murder-mystery comedy from way back in 1932, starring Bela Lugosi as studio executive Joseph Steiner.

Tagline reads... "Movie star MURDERED! KILLER on the loose!" The plot... "While filming the closing scene of "The Death Kiss", leading man Myles Brent is actually killed. Having played around with, or been married to, most of the women connected with the movie studio, there are lots of suspects. When leading lady Marcia Lane is arrested for the killing, her suiter, a studio writer, starts to investigate the killing in order to prove her innocence."

The stock music is by uncredited composer Arthur Lange, music director was Val Burton. Lange also composed music for THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND, CARNIVAL BOAT, RACKETY RAX, CALL HER SAVAGE, CURLY TOP, GIRLS' DORMITORY, SUBMARINE PATROL, THE UNDYING MONSTER, LADY OF BURLESQUE, PIN UP GIRL, JUNGLE PATROL, RANCHO NOTORIOUS and THE MAD MAGICIAN!

Rufus the Gnat has been pacing the pad and wants to 'drop the hammer' on the big red 'GO' button and start today's Eariffic Earclip for yer audio pleasure!.. THE DEATH KISS!

This movie was originally released with color tinted sequences!!

Something seems wrong on the set of "The Death Kiss!" And, wouldn't you know it, it's the last scene!!

Okay, tell him he's a good actor, but that he needs to get up because we have to shoot that part over!

Wow, nice office, gots atmospheric conditions...

Bela has an intense conversation with 'the poor man's Charles Laughton!'

The coppers arrive and turn up the heat on the suspects.

A young grip gets some advice from an old-timer. Remember, it's a comedy!

There are some similarities to HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER, like this scene where they are looking at the footage of the murder in the screening room, searching for clues, here, the projectionist is nearly blown up!

A studio cop just don't get no respect!

The photography director requested and got his 'arty shot!'

This shot is great, notice, that's a real block of ice, not a CGI!!

Adrienne Ames does a great job of being beautiful!

I know that hats make the man...

But, what the hell does this mean?!

We finally get a good look at the killer. The reason for murder was professional jealously, what else?!

Alright then, who wants to go get tore up?!..

Ghoulnight, everbloody!!

THINGS - Stryk-9/Familiar Strangers - "Things" (1989)

Eegah!! says: Okay Folks, I gotta take the night off, and go to my buddy's 90th birthday party, so, would you please welcome back, long lost guest host Zillagord, with something tasty he's cooked up for you called.........

THINGS (Canada, 1989).

Greetings and felicitations, denizens and disciples of the dungeon!! I, Zillagord, maven turkey knocker and cub movie reviewer third class, have broken free from the imperious ivory tower of academia to present to you a mind-numbing exercise in horror and gore, THINGS!! This Canadian import, the brain(dead) child of director/co-writer Andrew Jordan and co-writer/star Barry Gillis is a truly unique and disgusting experience, one that rivals the mighty BLOOD FREAK on my list of all-time, uh…greats?

Was that a “Pshaw!” I heard? Hyperbole, you say? Disbelievers and infidels, feast yer peepers on the following, an email I received from almighty EEGAH!! after he screened the film for possible inclusion on this here blog:

Zillagord,
I just finished watching “THINGS!” Please remove my email address from your address book, because I never want to hear from you again. I will send you $10.00 cash ASAP, because I am going to destroy this disc so nobody else you know ever has to endure such punishment again. It was almost nice knowing you, but our friendship is now terminated forever!
Eegah!!

Thankfully, fearless readers, our comradeship and my lucrative post were restored after hours of supplication on my part, aided and abetted by several pitchers of frothy margaritas. Moved by my heartfelt devotion to the blog (or was it the Hornitos?), EEGAH!! has charitably forgiven this humble scribe and allowed me to carry on in my duties here, with the caveat that I faithfully man the blender at his bidding whenever he flashes back to the complete and utter horror that is THINGS!! Thanks for the second chance, boss, you won’t regret it. Or will he…?

Surround yourselves with the incredible sounds here! For your amusement, I have included in my review much dialogue from the film because, frankly, these words demonstrate the sheer ludicrousness of the movie more ably that any turkey knocker could hope to articulate. Now, without further adieu…

THINGS is a film by horror fans, which is what makes it so fun: Jordan and Gillis brought the unbridled enthusiasm of Ed Wood and mixed it up with their devotion to horror icons George Romero, David Cronenberg, THE EVIL DEAD, and ALIEN, among others. Gusto only goes so far, though, and what results from this balls-out approach is what frequently happens when one’s balls are out: THINGS is one long episode of indecent exposure!!

The whole magilla starts with a prologue (natcherly), in which Doug (Doug Bunston) encounters this weird masked woman, and the raison d’etre (that’s college-speak for reason, dropouts) of the creatures is revealed.

Doug: “I want you to have my baby. My wife and I tried to have a baby, but we could never get one.”

She reveals the kid, and Rosemary’s Baby it ain’t!

Phew! It was just a dream sequence… or was it???

Doug’s wife is really pregnant, but with what?? Doug gives his wife some pills, “to help ease the pain.” Hey Doug, got any for us?? We’re gonna need ‘em….

My favorite shot in the film. Clearly, the sky is not the limit here.

Out of the Great White North and into the fray comes Doug’s brother Don (left, Barry Gillis) and his friend Fred (Bruce Roach). These dudes are ready to party! Nothing quite as festive as a house with an expectant mother whose belly is fulla critters!

These guys go straight for the booze, and find something curious in the icebox-- a book called “The Horror of 1000 Ugly Brutal Cuts” and a mysterious tape player with some creepy voices on it, leading Don to ask Fred, “How’d that movie start, that one you’re always talking about? You know, that weird one with… all those weird things?” Oh yeah, THAT one!

The creepy voices get a little dull, so Don urges Fred to turn on the TV. “They get the bestiality network up here.” Damn, in America, we’re stuck with only Cinemax.

This must be the Bestiality News! Porn star Amber Lynn proves that although she can’t remember her lines, she can at least read English in her portrayal of (get this) Amber Lynn, Newscaster!

Amber: “A medical discovery from the world-renowned Dr. Lucas of Grizzly Flats. If the human brain is exposed to ultra-violet light, a human’s lifespan will double. Scientists all over the world are very happy with this discovery.” So are the makers of Depends!


Cut to Doc Lucas’s lab for some gratuitous gore and some evil snickering so over the top, it’ll make you think Rocky Rococco is at your cervix! Meh-heh-heh, meh-heh-heh!

Fred: “Isn’t this Salvador Dali’s famous “Devil’s Daughter” painting? It was thought to be burnt years ago.” Gee, you never know what you’ll find in the Canadian wilderness!

Nothing better than watching someone watch television! Now THAT’S entertainment!

Don: “This beer tastes like cowshit. Must’ve come from a well in West Africa.”

Wow! They really DO get the Bestiality Network! I gotta change cable providers….

Finally, after a seemingly interminable 20 minutes of male bonding featuring beer, sandwiches, and television, the THINGS are unleashed! Well, a THING. You gotta start somewhere.

Being men of action, it’s quickly back to the kitchen table for more booze and exposition, as Don reveals to Doug and Fred that crazy Doc Lucas “artificially impregnated” Susan. This leads to one of my favorite stretches of dialogue in the film, as Doug launches into a left-field monologue like no other.

Doug: “I read a story once about something weird like this. It was in a sci-fi novel about a couple of teenagers who had nothing better to do one summer… than to kill a neighborhood boy named Harold…. When he was young, they all bothered him… because he was thin… as a toothpick. As he got older, they… they all laughed at him, because he was fatter than a fridge.” What the…? And that’s only the beginning….

Who are these people, and why aren’t they at the Duran Duran concert?? Meanwhile, the power in the cabin is lost, and Fred spontaneously combusts, off-screen of course.
Don’s explanation: “I think he went into the 3rd, 4th, and 5th dimension.” Well, if Amber Lynn can do the news, I guess anything’s possible!

Don: “You never told me you were a kindergarten artist”
Doug: “Well, you never told me you were an asshole either, I had to find out for myself.”

Don and Doug spring into action… by drinking, telling bad jokes, and waxing philosophical.
Don: “How do you get paper children? You fuck a bag lady!”

Doug: “Does a toilet flush in a blackout?”

Finally (again—like Fred, times seems to slip into the 3rd, 4th, and 5th dimensions during the film, it’s almost like the viewer is in a fugue state), Don and Doug head to the basement to restore power. But THINGS are lurking....

Don: “I’m not very good at electricity things.”

Sheer horror! Doug is bitten, his hand taken by the THINGS. The sound effects and Doug’s tortured screams in this scene are priceless, as is this line from Don: “The blood is just dripping like maple syrup!” These dudes even bleed Canadian!!

The THINGS overrun the joint, killing Doug. Don vows to his brother, “You’re dead…. No way am I gonna let the creatures eat you alive.”

Can a person spontaneously reassemble?? Somehow, Fred’s back, and boy is he pissed there’s no more of that West African beer!

Don makes a grisly discovery: “They ate Susan. They ate her to the skull.”

Fred then meets a similar fate at the jaws of the THINGS. His parting lines: “Don… this is the last time I’m goin’ on any of your trips” and “You little fucker! Come back here with my eyeball!”

Having survived the night, Don encounters good ol’ Doc Lucas, played by Jan W. Pachul. Folks, I have watched 100s of Grade Z flicks, and I must say that this dude is among the worst actors I have ever seen, and I mean that in the best possible way: he’s truly unbelievable. He also has the best line of the film, which concisely articulates the THINGS experience in only six words: “This is ghastly, horrible, brutal… insane!”

The Doc tries to pin the carnage on Don, who replies: “Your experiment fucked up and you’re blaming me? You’re the madman!”

Don, fed up with the Doc, shoves him into a bathroom full of THINGS. The Doc’s last words: “Creatures with no soul are devouring me whole!” And his feet are Longfellows! Don finally makes his escape by leaving through the front door— clever plan!!

Don emits perhaps the greatest man-scream ever committed to celluloid when he finds help!

But alas! It was all a dream… again! Well, part of it was. Uh… I think. What was that I was saying about fugue states? Anyway, Doc Lucas promises “Dead or alive, we’re all gonna getcha!”

And Don irrationally repeats “I’ll be okay” over and over as the dulcet tones of Stryk-9 begin to swell and the credits roll….

WOW! And friends and fiends, I didn’t even get around to a lot of other stuff in the film, including the greatest puking scene ever, an apparent nuclear attack, a Dippy bird, cockroach sandwiches, the song “Tailspin” by Fred’s (Bruce Horton’s) band Familiar Strangers, much, much more hilarious dialogue, and the closing dedication to Tony Iommi and Black Sabbath!

Plus, on the 19 ½ Anniversary DVD, there’s a host of extras, including a THINGS drinking game (take note, EEGAH!!). Folks, I don’t make pronouncements like this lightly: THINGS is the ultimate treasure trove for the trash cineaste. I promise you, if you dig cult horror, THINGS is the film for you!

I would like to thank Andrew Jordan and Barry Gillis for allowing us to use the photos and music from their film, and also for altering my reality with THINGS. You’ll never forget it once you see it, so see it already and let your lifetime resentment against me begin!

Order THINGS here:

Become a friend and fan at the THINGS Facebook page here:

And witness the further warped wizardry of Barry Gillis by checking out the trailer to his latest opus, WICKED WORLD, here:

I am hoping to interview Barry about his experiences with THINGS and WICKED WORLD soon, and I will post the wretched results here at Monster Movie Music. That is, if EEGAH!! doesn’t permanently blacklist me from the blog after this post. Stay tuned! Looks like I better stoke up that blender!!